Marriage VII: The Wedding Ceremony before Kiddushin

The phrase hachnasat kalla literally means bringing a kalla to the chuppa, and more generally refers to providing her with support. This may seem anachronistic in an age of independent kallot who in many ways bring themselves to the chuppa. But autonomy does not replace community, and the mitzva of hachnasat kalla reflects the timeless significance of the community marshalling its resources to support a wedding and marriage.

Hachnasat kalla is fundamentally an act of chessed, kindness. It is considered so important that, along with taking the dead for burial, it allows for setting aside the study of Torah:

Taken broadly, these acts of chessed can mean helping to cover related expenditures:

Elsewhere, Rashi explains hachnasat kalla more literally, as escorting the kalla on her way to the chuppa.

In Mishnaic times, the bride would travel to her wedding in a curtained palanquin:

Though there was a move made to decree against such regal trappings in the time of the Bar Kochva revolt, the sages allowed the custom to continue because the curtains helped preserve the kalla’s tzeniut in the public thoroughfare en route to the wedding:

Another mishna suggests that some practices of bringing a kalla to her wedding were unique to a virgin bride (so that future testimony about them could affect her ketuba settlement):

The Talmud explains the hinuma in two ways:

Rambam understands Rabbi Yochanan’s explanation of the hinuma as a reference to a movable tent, like the curtained palanquin in which a bride would travel to the wedding:

Nowadays it is more common for a bride to leave her house for her wedding with a more intimate entourage, and for the public accompaniment to take place at the wedding itself.

Some early practices, however, remain in force. At the wedding reception itself, the kalla typically receives a special seat of honor. The Mishna mentions the kalla’s chair,¹ and Rambam’s commentary details the sort of intricate decoration that was customary for it:²

For many a kalla, a specially designated, regal place to sit has come to define the wedding reception.

At the reception, both chatan and kalla welcome guests, surrounded by close relatives and friends. But, in many communities, they receive guests in separate spaces at this stage of the wedding. Separate receptions may be a vestige of an era when the kalla would first greet guests at her home before being escorted to the wedding. It has persisted sometimes in deference to a practice of not seeing each other (see more here) and sometimes to mitigate mingling between men and women (more here). In such cases, a chatan often presides over a gathering of song and divrei Torah, modeled after a Chassidic tisch. Words of Torah are especially appropriate for the occasion because a wedding forms a covenantal bond between the couple reminiscent of the giving of the Torah.³

A kalla may receive visitors one by one at her chair, exchanging blessings and prayers. This can be very fulfilling, enabling the kalla to have a moment with each guest. Still, there is no halachic obligation for the kalla to remain seated in a chair, and she has the flexibility to decide how to spend the reception.

More recently, increasing numbers of kallot have created a more tisch-like atmosphere near the kalla’s chair over the course of the reception, including singing, a little dancing, words of Torah, and sometimes a siyyum. Some kallot incorporate a table, and even call this type of reception a kalla’s tisch. In a letter to Tradition, Rachel Ackerman Epstein describes how making a kalla’s tisch was meaningful to her:⁴

Depending on a community’s practice, the signing of the ketuba may take place at the reception before the wedding ceremony, at the chatan’s tisch, with chatan and kalla together, or under the chuppa.

Mincha or Ma’ariv

Depending on the timing, the wedding reception might include mincha or ma’ariv. (See more about additions to a chatan and kalla’s mincha on the wedding day here.) A couple interested in fostering women’s joining in mincha can take care to have the time officially announced, along with women’s being welcome., Although a mechitza is not strictly obligatory at an ad hoc minyan (see more here), they can designate a comfortable space for women to pray, or even set up a mechitza.⁵

Another document, known as shetar tena’im (tena’im for short), a writ of terms of agreement, is often signed at the reception or chatan’s tisch. Tena’im have a long history. The Talmud refers to contracts that would follow agreement to marry but precede kiddushin, granting both the match and the families’ financial commitments some degree of legal force:

This passage suggests that the tena’im agreement may be made by the parents, though Rashi explains it elsewhere as a contractual agreement between chatan and kalla.

For hundreds of years, tena’im continued to develop in Jewish communities as a mechanism to address pressing issues, such as commitments to ensure chaltiza in the case of a husband’s demise without issue or to provide for the bride to inherit her father,⁶ or even to provide alimony if the couple were to separate. Dr. Ayelet Segal surveys a range of early prenuptial agreements, including tena’im, in her doctoral dissertation:⁷

Over time, Sefardi communities integrated some key tena’im into the ketuba text (see the text here). Ashkenazi communities persisted in signing separate tena’im contracts, often two of them per couple: a first, known as “Rashei Perakim” (lit., main points) at engagement and then a second, more detailed one, often just before chuppa.

Nowadays, tena’im contracts have become more symbolic, and many couples forgo them. This was Rav Soloveitchik’s recommendation.

Those who do hold tena’im typically use a special formulation designed for a largely symbolic tena’im conducted only just before a wedding by the fathers of chatan and kalla. This is Rav Moshe Feinstein’s version of the text, adapted from older ones that were used as the second of two. The specifics of names, place, and time have been left open.

According to many authorities, once the wedding has taken place, this statement of equal division of property in the tena’im is more rhetorical than legally binding.⁸ We discuss the disposition of marital property in light of the ketuba and recent rabbinical court decisions here.

Those who conduct a tena’im at a wedding often do so at the chatan’s tisch. The document is read aloud, which can be done by anyone in attendance whom the couple wish to honor. The tena’im process is finalized with the signatures of two witnesses, followed by an act of kinyan (consideration) and the breaking of a plate. The breakage is meant to reduce the simcha and remind us of beit ha-mikdash, in a way that also makes it clear that the act of tena’im is irrevocable.⁹

The mothers of chatan and kalla often break the plate, perhaps because the fathers typically act as signatories to the tena’im in addition to two witnesses—though in some communities chatan and kalla both sign. When tena’im are held at a wedding, they are often signed at a chatan’s tisch for reasons of convenience, but they can be signed in proximity to the kalla.

Though it, too, can be signed at the wedding, the halachic prenuptial agreement, in some ways the most recent descendant of the tena’im (which we hope to discuss in a future piece), is often best signed in advance with chatan and kalla together, after carefully working through its contents under the guidance of a knowledgeable halachic authority.

Sefardi brides often don veils without any ceremony, or just before stepping into the chuppa. In many communities, though, the next ceremonial stage of a wedding is the bedecken, the veiling of the bride.

Tzeniut

The bridal veil may be hinted at in the Torah. When Rivka travels to marry Yitzchak, she veils herself after catching sight of him.

Some early commentators, including Ralbag, suggest that Rivka acts out of modesty, tzeniut, before her intended husband.¹⁰

Rashi mentions the connection between a bride’s veil and tzeniut in his Torah commentary, likening the folded curtains at the entrance to the Mishkan to a bridal veil:

The intersection of modesty with the role of a kalla is complex. She finds herself in an unusual position for a woman, at the center of a communal religious ritual with all eyes upon her. Rather than play this down, she is (as we have seen) expected to adorn herself for the occasion. The Talmud teaches that guests at a wedding are meant to compliment her beauty before her. At the same time, male guests are to be careful how they gaze at her, even though other men’s gazes might endear her further to her chatan:

The veil may have developed as a way to balance the bride’s position as the admired center of attention with tzeniut concerns.

Limiting Vision

In addition to concealing the kalla’s face from those around her, perhaps as an expression of tzeniut, the veil can also affect the kalla’s own experience of the wedding, limiting her vision.

In his comments to the Talmud, Rashi defines the hinuma in which a virgin bride would travel to her wedding as a veil over her face, under which she might drowse off:

Rashi’s comment suggests that the kalla would not be able to see out of the veil. In a responsum, Rashba similarly implies that the veil would be opaque. By veiling her face, the bride establishes that she is not particular about the precise worth of the ring used for kiddushin, since she is unable to see it.

Rema cites this responsum as the basis for one of two measures to ward off concerns about mistakes in the kiddushin process related to the value of the ring, implying that the veil presents a halachic advantage.

To this day, some, especially members of Chassidic communities, have the custom of using an opaque veil, sometimes called a dek-tichel. Rabbi Nachman describes this as playing a spiritual function as well, hinting at the hiddenness of God:

Some kallot finds that an opaque veil helps them to focus, or offers them privacy. Chavi Israel describes the moments before her chuppa in this vein:¹¹

The Importance of Seeing

On the other hand, by limiting the kalla’s sight, the veil may raise halachic concerns during kiddushin. Ben Ish Chai stresses that it is important for a kalla to be able to see her chatan as part of consenting to kiddushin:

Rabbeinu Yona raises the possibility that witnesses not seeing the kalla’s face might interfere with their testimony to the wedding, but he ultimately concludes that this concern can be overcome because there is a strong chazaka, halachic presumption, regarding the identity of the kalla:

Even so, Rav Ovadya Yosef calls for lifting a kalla’s veil when she drinks from the cup of birkat eirusin as necessary to ensure that the witnesses get a good look at her prior to kiddushin:

Rav Ovadya points out that raising the veil may not be necessary, since the veil need not be opaque.

Indeed, a somewhat transparent veil would seem to suffice both to make it difficult for the bride to be ogled and to interfere with her viewing the ring with precision.

Following the ceremony, when the veil is typically removed from the kalla’s face, a veil can serve an ancillary function, as head-covering. In this case, there may be an advantage to a more opaque veil. (See more here.)

Veiling and Bedecken

So far, we’ve seen a basis for a kalla to be veiled , but no mention of any halachic aspect to a veiling ceremony. Rivka veiled herself, and Rashba implies that brides of his day did the same. Rema is not particular about who places the bride’s veil.

In our discussion of nissuin, we saw that nissuin or chuppa refers to any of a range of practices that represent a kalla creating a new home with her husband.¹² Tosafot suggest that a virgin bride going to her wedding in a hinuma would in itself count as a form of chuppa:

This would seem to mean that the simple act of leaving her home in the distinctive wedding veil (or apiryon) would be a form of chuppa. We still lack any mention or ascription of significance to putting on the veil. Indeed, Maharil’s account of practice in Ashkenaz entails the chatan coming to the kalla on the morning of the wedding, when she is already veiled:

Nevertheless, in light of his local practice, Bach suggests that the chatan must help veil the kalla himself, so that her wearing a hinuma can more fully symbolize moving from her father’s home to his:

This ceremonial veiling is reminiscent of the bedecken, though it also sounds like a custom we discuss in more detail here, of covering the heads of chatan and kalla with a cloth as a form of chuppa.

In deference to Bach’s view, some rabbis are careful to designate two witnesses for the bedecken.¹³ However, Bach’s student and son-in-law, Taz, disagrees with him, referring to veiling of the kalla as a mere preliminary to the chuppa and not as a form of chuppa itself, though it is an opportunity for hachnasat kalla:¹⁴

Since chuppa refers to acts commonly agreed upon in a given locale as representing the establishment of the marital household, both sides of this disagreement can be correct, depending on their local custom. In practice, whether the kalla veils herself, or is veiled by others or by the chatan, varies by community.

As it has evolved, the bedecken at the wedding reception, especially for a couple who have not seen each other for a week leading up to the wedding, is a moment of high drama and emotion. In some communities, the bedecken is very joyous. In others, as in Chabad, which has a special tune for the bedecken, it is more somber. Still other communities begin with more upbeat music and then switch to something slower and more serious. Regardless, the bedecken presents an opportunity for the chatan and kalla to connect with each other, as well as for parents to offer personal blessings in advance of the ceremony.

Sara Esther Crispe describes what bedecken represented for her and her chatan:¹⁵

Since veiling is learned from Rivka, it is customary for relatives to bless the kalla as Rivka’s family blessed her upon her departure to marry Yitzchak:

A chatan’s family may of course bless him as well. And those without a bedecken can create an opportunity to share berachot before the reception shifts to the chuppa.

Second Marriage

Kitzur Shulchan Aruch notes that the bedecken is only for virgin brides. Indeed, the discussion of the hinuma as veil distinctive to a virgin bride implies that a previously married kalla would not wear one:

Though this inference would apply to the bedecken, it’s not clear that it means that a previously married kalla lacks reason to don a veil. Modesty, and a desire to establish that the kalla is not particular regarding the value of the ring used for kiddushin, would seem to be relevant for any kalla. Rav Yehoshua Avraham Tzvi Weinberg, a student of Chatam Sofer, makes this point:

Rav Weinberg suggests that a previously-married kalla don her veil at the chuppa, without a bedecken. Some put it on earlier, without ceremony, while some kallot choose to forgo it. Where there is no clear custom, this is a matter of choice. A non-virgin kalla who has never been married typically does have a bedecken where that is the custom for virgin brides, following the same logic we discussed previously whereby a non-virgin bride can have the ketuba of a virgin if her chatan agrees and her privacy preserved.

We’ve seen that the term “chuppa” refers to a symbolic representation of the kalla joining the chatan’s household, or of the couple establishing an intimate space together. We’ve also seen that the definition of chuppa varies among communities, and that a number of different practices can serve the halachic function of chuppa.

A structure set aside for the nuptials of chatan and kalla can represent their new home and be considered a chuppa. Indeed, the Talmud describes a structure built for a wedding, and Rashi explains this as a reference to chuppa:

As joyous as constructing a chuppa can be, the devastations visited upon us by the Romans led to decrees limiting luxurious construction:

While the chuppa can be heavily ornamented, even with gold, it should not be made of crimson cloth interwoven with gold.

Sefer Ha-Ittur describes the chuppa as incorporating either textiles or natural materials like branches and flowers:

Rema enumerates a number of different practices at the wedding that may be considered chuppa, and concludes with a description of Ashkenazi custom:

(We’ll revisit the custom of covering chatan and kalla directly with a cloth here, though it is related to the custom many have of placing a tallit atop poles.)

Technically, there is no need for the couple to enter into a chuppa of any sort until after birkat eirusin. Still, it has become increasingly common, as Rema describes, for the entire ceremony to take place under a chuppa.

Three centuries later, Ben Ish Chai describes a stage in the adoption of this custom by Sefardi communities as well:

Some halachic authorities view the method of chuppa construction upon poles described by Rema as binding custom.¹⁶

Given the nature of chuppa as a symbolic structure, other authorities allow for more flexibility, as needed. So, for example, Rav Ovadya Hedaya, permits a chuppa made of flowers, in keeping with the description provided in Sefer Ha-Ittur:¹⁷

Similarly, Rav Moshe Feinstein would permit a chuppa made of textile held over the couple, even without poles, though he would prefer poles in deference to tradition:

In cases in which people hold up the poles, rather than their resting on the ground, whether a woman could fill this function would depend on community norms.

In traditional Ashkenazi custom, a chuppa for a first marriage takes place outdoors, drawing from the symbolism of the stars in the sky, as an omen for fertility,¹⁸ and medieval Ashkenazi communities often held the chuppa in the synagogue courtyard.¹⁹ Nowadays, especially outside of Israel, it has become more widely accepted for Asheknazi chuppot to be held indoors, because this was not a binding custom. In contrast, Sefardi custom has never been to be particular about a chuppa being held outdoors, and chuppot are frequently held indoors, often in the synagogue.²⁰

The procession to the chuppa has a forerunner in the story of Creation. The Talmud teaches that God acted as a wedding attendant for the sake of Adam Ha-Rishon, by bringing Chava to him:

Indeed, chatan and kalla are treated as people of importance during the wedding. The midrash likens the chatan to a king,²¹ and Maharal extends this idea to the kalla.

We’ve already seen a few expressions of the new couple’s importance, including regal accessories (mostly discontinued during conflict with Rome), a kalla’s throne-like chair, and presiding over a reception or tisch. During the procession to the chuppa, as befits people of high status, it is customary for both chatan and kalla to be accompanied by two attendants.

In many communities, the attendants hold candles to evoke the lightning at Har Sinai:²²

Though an attendant can be a friend, mentor, Rav,²³ or other person of significance, parents take on this role in many communities. The Zohar derives this, too, from God’s bringing Chava to Adam, likening God, as Chava’s Creator, to a kalla’s parents:

In some communities and families, the two mothers escort the kalla and the two fathers escort the chatan. In others, each set of parents escorts their own child to the chuppa.

In practice, family structures vary widely. Not everyone has two living parents, and sometimes a chatan or kalla’s parents may not be married to each other, may be married to other people, or may not be Jewish. This can pose logistical and emotional challenges for the couple, as they seek to honor parental figures.

Traditional sources also question the symbolism of having attendants for a couple embarking upon marriage not be married themselves. For this reason, at a first marriage—even if the women escort the kalla and the men the chatan—there is preference for the attendants to be married couples, ideally on their own first marriages. However, this is not obligatory if a different arrangement is important to the chatan and kalla.²⁴

Rav Melamed suggests satisfying the symbolism of having a married couple attend the chatan and kalla by having an additional couple go to the chuppa shortly before or after them. In recent years, it has become increasingly common for chatan and kalla to honor additional family members, and sometimes friends, by including them in the processional to the chuppa. The choice of attendants ultimately rests with the couple.

Standing

As another sign of respect to chatan and kalla, many stand for them as they approach the chuppa:

Some have the custom of standing throughout the ceremony. Orchot Chayyim mentions standing from the chatan’s processional and throughout the ceremony.

Rav Ovadya Yosef describes a custom to stand from birkat eirusin through the end of sheva berachot, but does not mention the processional.²⁵

In some Israeli circles, chairs are not set out for chuppa at all. Rav Ya’akov Ariel approves of providing seating to combat the disorder that tends to result from the absence of chairs, though he encourages standing at the moment of kiddushin:

Regardless of one’s custom, it is important to provide at least some seating, for those who might have difficulty standing.

Welcoming the Chatan

The chatan goes first to the chuppa, often greeted with words of a liturgical poem, “Mi Adir”, expressing praise to God, Who blesses chatan and kalla:²⁶

The chatan may be likened to a king, but we must first recognize God as King and source of all blessing.

Although the chuppa is often conceived of as representing the chatan’s home in which the kalla joins him, a midrash suggests some mutuality, stating that his entry into the chuppa is only possible with the kalla’s permission.

At the kalla’s approach, some communities recite berucha haba’a, blessed is she who comes, in welcome. The chatan may come to meet the kalla and walk the final steps to the chuppa together with her. In some communities, the chatan veils the kalla at this point.

Circling

In Ashkenazi communities, it is customary for the kalla to circle the chatan when she enters the chuppa.

Ideas accounting for the potential significance of this custom abound. Perhaps it echoes a phrase in Yirmiyahu that describes women as encircling men—a phrase that the Lubavitcher Rebbe took as a positive Messianic vision which includes seeing women’s Torah learning as a sign of approaching Mashiach:

Based on a comment of Tashbetz, a student of Maharam, circling may be done three times as a development of an older custom, representing the three times that the Torah mentions a man marrying a woman.²⁷

The number three also corresponds to the three instances of the phrase “ve-eirastich li,” “I will betroth you to Me,” describing God’s betrothal of the Jewish people in Hoshea. These verses are typically recited when laying tefillin.

Others, including Kitzur Shulchan Aruch, attest to a custom to circle seven times:

The seven circuits are reminiscent of the circuits that brought down the walls separating Benei Yisrael from Yericho.²⁸

Sara Esther Crispe conveys some of the significance circling held for her within the broader context of the wedding ceremony:²⁹

Given that circling is a custom, and not a universal one, Rav Soloveitchik noted that a Rav could officiate a wedding for a couple who wish to omit the circling.³⁰ A kalla can also choose to circle without her mother or mother-in-law.

The circling is often accompanied by more liturgical poetry in song, to complement “Mi Adir”:

These words seem to signify that God understands the Jewish people, who are likened by a midrash to a lily among thorns, much as he understands its representative, the kalla, and her love for the chatan.³¹