Contraception IV: A Rabbi’s Role & Beginning Marriage

We began our exploration of childbearing with a look at the mitzva of procreation. Next, we introduced major overarching halachic and hashkafic considerations relevant to decisions on contraception and discussed health needs as a basis for permitting contraception. We then explored questions of spacing children and using contraception after fulfilling pirya ve-rivya. In our last piece, we discussed other factors recognized by Halacha in making contraceptive decisions and under what circumstances they might provide grounds for delaying conception.

In this piece, we turn our attention to a rabbi’s role in making decisions about contraception, and then to the permissibility of using contraception at the beginning of marriage.

Rabban Gamliel, in Pirkei Avot, teaches us:

In cases of halachic uncertainty, it is both correct and natural to turn to a halachic authority for help in resolving questions or doubts. This course of action is even more compelling when the issues are weighty and intensely personal, as they typically are with contraception.

In this series so far, we’ve seen many references to a rabbi’s key role in making decisions about contraception. This process is often characterized as requesting a heter—halachic dispensation—from the rabbi. But Rabban Gamliel provides a much better frame of reference for understanding what is happening. No rabbi, no matter how learned, has the power to permit something that Halacha prohibits. Rather, knowledge of Halacha and its application can enable a rabbi to resolve a couple’s halachic uncertainty, to clarify whether or not using contraception is halachically permitted in a given situation.^*</a

In practice, there seem to be two major models for rabbinic roles in resolving questions about the permissibility of using contraception.¹

In the first approach, a rabbi acts as a “comprehensive posek,” chief arbiter for all aspects of the decision

In the second approach, a rabbi takes on a hybrid or alternating role, acting as a “posek-advisor.” He advises couples on halachic principles and how they are usually applied, but generally leaves the ultimate decision in the couple’s hands, based on their assessment of their own circumstances—unless their situation demands a special level of halachic expertise, in which case the rabbi gives a halachic ruling.

Both models are directed at clarifying the Halacha, so that the couple can fulfill it. The first approach, that of a comprehensive posek, is widespread and well-attested in written halachic works. The latter approach is less prevalent and has been less well-attested, perhaps in part because it lends itself less to being written down.

I. Comprehensive Posek On this model, the responsibility for making a decision about contraceptive use is primarily in the rabbi’s hands.

In one of his earlier rulings on contraception, from 1958, Rav Moshe Feinstein expresses great trepidation about any but the most expert rabbis ruling on contraception, and suggests that, even in the case of danger to a woman, he would rarely permit the use of contraception. This was in an era when a diaphragm was the only halachically tenable, effective contraceptive option, see Iggerot Moshe EH 1:63. Rav Moshe would only permit its use when the couple would be sure to keep the matter private:

In this responsum, Rav Moshe is hesitant to permit a diaphragm (which he viewed as potentially wasting seed), even in extreme cases, not trusting even other rabbis to rule on this matter.

In 1960, as the contraceptive pill became widely available, Rav Moshe expressed less hesitation in issuing permissive rulings, since hormonal contraceptives do not raise concerns of wasting seed. (We’ll discuss both hormonal contraceptives and the diaphragm in future pieces.)

Still, Rav Moshe remained steadfast in maintaining that the rabbi is the couple’s comprehensive posek. So, for example, in cases of health concerns that do not border on danger, even prior to fulfilling pirya ve-rivya, he permitted the contraceptive pill, but only with rabbinic permission.

Similarly, we saw that Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach allows for spacing between children, but only for a short time period and only with express rabbinic permission.

On this perspective, given that using contraception is such a delicate question, with such significant effects on a woman, a couple, a family, and even a community, a halachic authority must directly approve its every use.

Additionally, there are cases in which a couple might wrongly assume that it is prohibited to use contraceptives, and a halachic authority can correct that misconception, or even rule that they are required to avoid pregnancy.

Rav Menachem Burstein points out the significance of a rabbi’s halachic erudition, learning, and experience for preparing him to serve as a comprehensive posek for a couple in this way.²

Rav Burstein is confident that a rabbi will have the expertise to discern relevant halachic nuances, as well as the sensitivity to perceive aspects of a couple’s situation that they cannot see on their own. To help ensure that this is the case, a couple seeking out a comprehensive posek should be sure to turn to someone whom they both respect, whose interpretations they are both prepared to trust, and who they feel will take the time to listen to and carefully consider all the relevant details of their situation and understand their perspectives.

II. Posek-Advisor In this mode, a rabbi advises a couple about general guidelines for contraception (e.g., for a specific amount of time postpartum), and helps them to learn and apply halachic principles of contraception on their own (e.g., based on their knowledge of the wife’s physical and psychological state).

A rabbi is seen as an optimal source of advice in following guidelines or applying principles, and to act as posek as needed for questions that go beyond more common halachic discussions. Otherwise, the weight of responsibility for these decisions rests on the couple.

Within this rubric, some halachic authorities are more inclined to take on the role of posek, while others act more often as advisors. The relationship between a halachic authority and a given couple can also evolve and change over time. For example, as couples gain more confidence in making decisions, they may turn to the halachic authority less frequently.

A talmudic source we saw in our previous piece may provide precedent for turning to a rabbi for halachic guidance, but not necessarily for a ruling:

Yehudit, a God-fearing woman, asks a halachic question about the principles of the mitzva to procreate, which has bearing on questions of contraception. She then reaches her own practical halachic conclusion based on those principles—and acts upon it—without further consultation. Rabbi Chiyya expresses sorrow, but not disapproval.

Rav Yuval Cherlow (in a footnote to an article about contraception at the beginning of marriage, a topic we’ll discuss later on in this piece), notes that, in general, asking an individual halachic question is only needed in more complex or unusual cases. He argues that questions regarding contraception should be no different. On this view, when a couple’s question fits neatly into categories that have already been widely addressed, they should not be required to receive an individual ruling, but rather can apply accepted rulings to their situation.³

Perhaps because contraceptive use has become increasingly widespread over the past decades, Rav Cherlow evinces none of Rav Moshe’s trepidation. We saw a version of the approach he suggests in Rav Rabinovitch’s ruling permitting contraception across the board for two years postpartum. Let’s look again at the end of that ruling:

In this responsum, Rav Rabinovitch leaves a couple to work out what general rulings apply to them, and to continue to apply rulings they have received in the past. However, if they wish to use contraception beyond what a received ruling permits, or there is lack of clarity as to whether a broader ruling applies to them, the matter requires asking a halachic question and the rabbi reverts to the role of posek.

In effect, the couple is trusted to determine whether they fit into a case that has already been decided, but if they don’t, a rabbi makes the final decision.

Whether a given question is considered clear-cut or complicated can also depend on the couple and their base of knowledge. In more clear-cut cases, a halachic authority may more readily play an advisory role, fundamentally leaving room for a couple to make contraceptive decisions on their own when they have learned the relevant halachot, because they know their own situation better than a rabbi can.

As we saw earlier, Rav Ariel takes this approach specifically in cases in which pirya ve-rivya has already been fulfilled:

Rav Ariel sees this question as fundamentally being in the province of the couple, or more specifically, the woman, to decide. At the same time, he is concerned that a woman might be influenced, even unconsciously, by outside trends and values or by superficial factors, and give insufficient weight to halachic considerations. Rav Ariel here envisions a halachic figure as helping to provide a more objective perspective to help the couple honestly assess their situation and the halachic factors, so that they can work out what to do. A rabbi acting in this capacity shares some halachic responsibility for the decision.

Rav Eliezer Melamed lays out a similar perspective on how a rabbi might alternate the roles of posek and advisor:⁴

Rav Melamed writes that, from his vantage point, reviewing a thorough halachic summary, such as his own book chapter on the topic, provides enough information for couples to decide many straightforward questions regarding contraception on their own. He still notes, however, that rabbinic advice, or advice from a female religious figure,⁵ is beneficial even in these cases, especially when the couple thoughtfully choose someone who knows them.

In practice, many couples shift from a more comprehensive approach to a guidance approach once pirya ve-rivya has been fulfilled. However, even couples who turn to a comprehensive posek throughout their reproductive years and seek individual rabbinic rulings for every halachic question about contraception, can benefit from learning these halachot in depth. Study of the relevant halachot enables couples to ask their halachic questions more precisely, and to understand the answers they receive more clearly.

Couples who turn to a posek-advisor will consult a halachic authority as necessary, depending on the complexity of their specific question and whether it goes beyond the couple’s level of halachic knowledge—or requires more halachic responsibility than they are able to take on.⁶

A Short-Term ‘Heter’

Both in this piece and in our previous one, we’ve seen occasional mention of halachic authorities granting permission for contraception for a limited period of time, expecting the couple to ask for a new ruling if they want to extend their use of contraceptives beyond that.

In some cases, such as medical conditions, this makes intuitive sense. If permissibility depends on a certain constellation of medical facts, then it stands to reason that it should be reevaluated when there is medical follow-up. We saw Rav Ovadya Yosef make this type of argument in cases where there is a concern for danger:

Halachic authorities can only bear responsibility for rulings if they are kept up to date on the facts on which the rulings are based.

In some cases, though, it can be less clear why a ruling would be issued for only a short period of time. Rabbi Moshe Kahn, a leading teacher for many years at Stern College and its Beit Midrash, suggests that short-term rulings, contingent on a rabbi being able to reassess a couple’s situation when the suggested time period has ended, reflect an exercise of a type of rabbinic authority that is not purely halachic:⁷

For Rabbi Kahn, if contraception is permissible in a given set of circumstances, then it remains permissible unless or until these circumstances change, and there is no clear halachic rationale for setting a time limit in advance. On this understanding, the couple bears responsibility for keeping their halachic practice up to date with their life circumstances.

In contrast, in his discussion of couples at the beginning of marriage (which we explore more fully below), Rav Cherlow makes a different case for short-term rulings:⁸

To Rav Cherlow, the short-term nature of a ruling helps establish that the couple’s overall goal is to start a family, and provides an impetus not to delay childbearing any more than needed. By ruling in the short term, the rabbi assumes halachic responsibility for a permissive ruling a little bit at a time; this is less sweeping than if the ruling is more open-ended.

Couples that receive a short-term ruling may find it helpful to ask their halachic authority to explain from the start why the ruling is short term and under what, if any, circumstances they might be able to extend it.

Finding a halachic authority whose advice one trusts is a real asset in navigating questions about contraception, regardless of whether that authority ultimately acts more as a posek or as a posek-advisor. The importance of establishing a good relationship with a halachic authority is particularly pronounced at the beginning of marriage.

For most of history, contraceptive methods were scarce, so that getting married meant that children might soon follow. In recent decades, with the advent of effective and halachically permissible contraceptive methods, many couples question whether readiness to marry must inherently signal readiness to conceive right away.

The question of whether to use contraception at the beginning of marriage is often the first major halachic decision that a chatan and kalla face together. Open discussion of their hopes and fears about starting a family can be an important opportunity for a couple to clarify the guiding values of their marriage together, to formulate a joint vision for how to build a bayit ne’eman be-Yisrael, a faithful Jewish home.

Tur opens his codification of Jewish family law with the laws of procreation. He begins his discussion of procreation with a look at marriage.

Marriage first appears here as meeting an existential need for connection. But then the halachic obligation to marry enters the discussion as a function of the mitzva to procreate. Though some couples will not be able to have children, or will marry at a stage of life where they do not expect to reproduce, children are part of the Jewish ideal of marriage.

Therefore, decisions about contraception at the beginning of marriage can be especially complex, touching on factors we’ve previously discussed that significantly affect both marriage and starting a family: physical and mental health, chinuch, shalom bayit, and financial concerns, as well as a couple’s sense of whether they are emotionally prepared to have a child.

The prospect of using contraception at the beginning of marriage (without a clear medical need) could potentially raise questions about the link between marriage and family. In response, many contemporary halachic authorities, such as Rav Yaakov Ariel, emphasize that intertwining marriage and children remains the Jewish ideal, even though the obligation to procreate rests specifically on the husband:¹²

At the same time, it is important to recognize the genuine challenges that newly married couples face. Some are uniquely modern. Others have probably existed throughout history, but couples might relate to them differently today, now that contraception is readily available.

In an article addressed to rabbis, Rabbanit Naomi Wolfson identifies two of the most common concerns couples raise about having children at the beginning of marriage: balancing childbearing with foundational professional study, and setting aside time to focus on relationship building:¹³

As Rabbanit Wolfson points out, couples often have compelling reasons to seek to delay starting a family. While it can be difficult to assess the halachic weight of such concerns, they should not be dismissed as reflecting a lack of religious commitment.

Many halachically committed couples have genuine questions about being ready to start a family. Rabbanit Malka Puterkowsky suggests that grappling with these questions is a way of taking halachic demands seriously, not of evading them:

Without denying the challenges, careful halachic decisions about when to try to start a family also take account of the fact that “peru u-revu” (be fruitful and multiply) is a beracha, and not only an imperative.

Based on her experiences counselling young women as a gynecologist, Dr. Chana Katan calls for more conscious education about the joys of starting a family:¹⁴

Halachic Considerations

We began our discussion of procreation by noting a difference of opinion regarding the mitzva of pirya ve-rivya, whether its fulfillment is a matter of effort (having marital relations) or result (having a boy and a girl). We saw that Rav Elchanan Wasserman combined these ideas, suggesting that having relations is the mitzva act, while having children is the mitzva fulfillment:

Fulfilling pirya ve-rivya is thus a continuing process over time. When a couple use contraception at the beginning of marriage, they are pushing off both the mitzva act and the ultimate fulfillment of pirya ve-rivya. At the same time, getting married is itself a pivotal first step of the process—and marriage is considered a mitzva largely for this reason.

While Halacha typically encourages—or, on some opinions, obligates—prompt mitzva fulfillment, and deliberately abrogating a positive mitzva is a transgression, there are situations where delay is permissible. We have learned that some authorities permit delay in performing a positive mitzva that has no clear deadline, provided there is strong justification for delay, clear intent to fulfill the mitzva, and presumed capability to fulfill the mitzva later. (See more here.)

A couple at the beginning of marriage (assuming pirya ve-rivya has not been fulfilled) would be expected to meet the usual halachic standards to allow for a deliberate delay in fulfilling pirya ve-rivya. They need to thoroughly explore the different factors at play, and exercise extreme honesty in considering and discussing them.

The question of what might be considered a strong justification for delay brings us back to our analysis of factors that might sometimes allow for contraception. To learn more about this, please see our discussion of delaying pirya ve-rivya here.

Indeed, circling back to the issues that Rabbanit Wolfson highlighted, the concern that a woman will have difficulty completing her university education or intensive professional training if she gets pregnant right away largely falls under our earlier discussion of financial considerations and contraception.

Addtionally, if we view caring for children as part of fulfilling the mitzva (as we saw in the name of Rav Yosef Eliyahu Henkin), that could be relevant to situations where educational programs are less flexible with parental leave than places of work. In those cases, delaying conception to allow for parents to provide significantly more childcare themselves might fall under our discussion of delaying mitzva performance for the sake of more optimal fulfillment later on.

As for shalom bayit, our previous discussion centered on existing conflict within a marriage, and not on concerns about establishing a solid marital relationship before conceiving. We’ll look at halachic responses to these latter concerns towards the end of this piece. First, we need to explore a related issue: Should couples who are not yet prepared to have children be getting married at all?

Delaying Marriage vs. Delaying Conception

Before we can assess whether it is preferable to delay marriage or to marry and delay conception, we need to address the question of when marriage becomes a halachic expectation for men.

We might have thought this would be at age thirteen, when a male becomes obligated in mitzvot. However, a boy of this age is typically not ready for marriage. A mishna in Pirkei Avot (which sets out ideal milestones from ages five through one hundred) specifies eighteen as the appropriate age:

The Talmud, presumably recognizing that a man does not always find his match the moment he turns eighteen, suggests that marriage should not be delayed past age twenty:

It seems, though, that a major element of concern encouraging a man to marry by twenty was lest he otherwise have difficulty controlling his sexual urges, and perhaps secondarily that he was not yet actively attempting to procreate.

In practice, Jewish communities do not push young men to marry before they find a spouse in whom they are interested. There is precedent for this in a ruling by Rivash:

Rema rules accordingly:

Rema attests that rabbis customarily would not compel individuals to marry or divorce based on concerns regarding pirya ve-rivya. Rather than legitimize delaying pirya ve-rivya or enforce its fulfillment, rabbinic authorities would leave couples to take responsibility for their own decisions in questions of marriage, even if these decisions would impinge on fulfilling pirya ve-rivya.

Given that it is very common and accepted now for young men to delay marriage well past age twenty, irrespective of whether they are learning Torah, does it make a difference if they marry and practice contraception?

Rav Elyakim Ellinson elaborates on the different sides to this question:

Rav Ellinson questions the halachic basis for distinguishing between active and passive delay in these cases. In contrast, Rav Yaakov Ariel argues that this is a salient difference.

Rav Ariel characterizes delaying marriage as a passive delay of the positive mitzva of pirya ve-rivya, whereas he views practicing contraception at the beginning of marriage as an active delay, and thus as raising more halachic issues:

Rav Aharon Lichtenstein, however, disagrees:

In Practice

In practice, many halachic authorities take a view like that of Rav Ariel, that taking the active step of practicing contraception at the beginning of marriage is considered more halachically problematic than not marrying, which is a more passive way of delaying pirya ve-rivya. Although, as we have seen, Rav Ariel himself lays out some arguments that might permit delay of fulfilling pirya ve-rivya, he does not see this as appropriate at the beginning of marriage:

Those taking Rav Lichtenstein’s view see more basis for delay. Even so, Rabbis following this view often maintain that couples ideally will not practice contraception at the beginning of marriage. Rav Yuval Cherlow makes this point while allowing for delay in some cases.¹⁵

Although we have seen discussion of potential justifications for delay in fulfilling pirya ve-rivya, these factors are often given less weight at the beginning of marriage, when couples have not yet even begun their efforts to fulfill shevet.

Many halachic authorities, even among those who generally do not permit contraception at the beginning of marriage, nevertheless concede that where the couple’s choice is either to marry and practice contraception or to delay marriage, they are better off marrying.

Rav Moshe Feinstein, for example, ruled to permit a couple to marry who were planning to abstain during their fertile window:

Not marrying means that, in addition to delaying procreation, the couple will be more liable to sin, as hinted at in the Talmud’s initial discussion of age at marriage. Therefore, marrying with intent to delay pregnancy is preferable to delaying marriage indefinitely. Rav Eliezer Melamed explains:¹⁶

Beginning Marriage & Shalom Bayit

So far, we have seen several halachic authorities weigh in against contraception at the beginning of marriage, unless a couple would otherwise delay marriage or unless there is a reason that clearly justifies this halachically.

Couples trying to determine a correct course of action often have concerns that do not clearly meet the standards typically raised as potentially allowing for delay. For example, the concern we raised earlier: feeling uneasy at the prospect of conceiving right after marriage, lest it be more than the relationship can handle. Many halachic authorities, including (as above) Rav Yaakov Ariel, would not seem to usually allow room for this concern to be taken into account.

Rav Yehuda H. Henkin, however, does. Though he does draw a distinction with respect to pirya ve-rivya between practicing contraception at the beginning of marriage and delaying marriage, he also recognizes the concerns that many couples have specifically at the beginning of marriage, especially about building confidence in their marital relationship. (See more about shalom bayit here.)

In order to overcome concerns about conceiving immediately and encourage couples to marry and not otherwise sin, he permits up to six months of contraception at the beginning of marriage, across the board, even if a couple does not have a specific need for it:

After six months, the couple would need to reevaluate their situation.

As we saw in our last piece, Rav Eliezer Melamed adapts this ruling only in a much more limited fashion, applying it specifically to couples at the beginning of marriage who are actively concerned that they might separate.

Echoing Rav Henkin’s concerns, and adding in a desire to promote early marriage, Rav Itamar Warhaftig seeks a middle ground. He recommends letting couples know that there can be grounds for contraception at the beginning of marriage, without suggesting that this is permissible across the board, even for a limited period of time.¹⁷

In modern Israel, young people typically devote their first years of adulthood to serving in the army or performing national service and only then turn to higher education. The pressures this creates are substantial, and not easily dismissed. Army and national service are also mitzvot, which adds a different dimension to this discussion. Rav Yigal Ariel describes what this can be like, and opens the door to further halachic discussion:¹⁸

The approach of halachic authorities to these issues continues to vary widely. While some halachic authorities view contraception at the very beginning of marriage as widely permissible, many others are reluctant to permit it. There is typically more openness to couple’s using contraception after they have begun ‘settling the world’ by having one child—openness that may even go beyond standard permission based on spacing births. This is so even though in either case the mitzva of pirya ve-rivya has not yet been fulfilled. Often, situations demand individual consideration, taking personal circumstances realistically into account.

Initial Consultations and Decisions

This brings us back to the significance of building a relationship with a halachic authority to help bridge the gap between the couple’s specific situation and cases generally discussed in halachic literature.

Frequently, couples turn to the husband’s Rav from Yeshiva to play this role. This can be a wonderful opportunity for a couple to share their situation and receive a meaningful response. Sometimes, however, as Dr Lea Taragin-Zeller points out, turning to a husband’s rav can also present challenges:¹⁹

The corrective for this sort of asymmetry is to find a rabbi who will make a point of getting to know both chatan and kalla and hearing their perspectives. Whether a halachic authority acts as a comprehensive posek or as more of a guide, an authority who takes the time to become well acquainted with the chatan and kalla can give the couple invaluable insight into their situation from a halachic perspective.

Rav Elyashiv Knohl describes how a new couple can benefit by making a concerted effort to approach a rabbi whom they find to be sensitive and knowledgeable:

Many couples seek halachic guidance from more than one figure before deciding together on a posek to whom they will address their questions. It is critical for each spouse to feel confident that they can communicate openly with, be heard by, and respect the perspective of whomever they consult. It is also essential for them to make time and space at every stage to check in with each other, and to return to their halachic authority for further discussion as much as needed until they are both comfortable with the decision.

Sometimes, couples struggle to even contemplate making this decision in the midst of the emotional and practical whirlwind of planning a wedding, setting up an apartment, and making the initial adjustment to married life. These couples may be able to undertake a more thorough decision-making process only after marriage.

Once they have settled into marriage and the life changes that accompany it, some couples discover relatively quickly that they are ready to start a family earlier than they had thought. Other God-fearing couples will still find that there are compelling reasons for them to delay

Pirya ve-rivya is both a mitzva and a beracha. When delay is the proper halachic course for a couple for the time being, they still should still keep this at the forefront of their minds, so that they can ready themselves to fulfill the mitzva and to realize the beracha.