Marriage VIII: The Wedding Ceremony – Kiddushin

We concluded our previous piece with chatan and kalla standing together under the chuppa, ready for kiddushin (halachic betrothal). Though nowadays conducted publicly at the chuppa, kiddushin is fundamentally a personal undertaking for the couple. Two witnesses suffice to ensure the validity of the halachic bond it establishes between them.

A second, more communally oriented, stage of the ceremony is nissuin (marriage). We mark nissuin with the recitation of birkat chatanim (sheva berachot) in the presence of a minyan, which underscores the communal significance of the couple creating a new household.

The Talmud discusses the two witnesses required for kiddushin, ¹ and the minyan required for birkat chatanim.² The Talmud also emphasizes the importance of halachic expertise in the field of kiddushin and gittin:

Rashi, whose view Shulchan Aruch adopts,³ explains that an error in these halachot could have drastic and irrevocable consequences. Therefore, an expert is required to adjudicate halachic questions that arise, such as matters of personal status.

This is the closest the Talmud gets, however, to mention of a Rav officiating at a wedding. This omission implies that the role of mesader kiddushin, officiating Rav, developed only later.

If the role of mesader kiddushin is a post-Talmudic development, then how did it evolve, and to what purpose?

Rabbinic presence at kiddushin seems to have developed over time as one of a range of responses to concerns about the possible pitfalls of private kiddushin, with just the couple and two witnesses present. A number of problematic situations could result from kiddushin conducted in private: Without communal involvement or oversight, a man could perform kiddushin before two witnesses with relative ease, and then never proceed to nissuin, leaving the woman unable to marry. A couple could make an impulsive decision when both parties were young, but halachically of age. Or a man could falsely claim to have performed kiddushin, in an act of revenge or in pursuit of financial gain.

As early as the twelfth century, rabbinic mandates emerged in Egypt requiring all marriages and divorces to be conducted under the auspices of local Rabbanim.

In thirteenth-century Catalonia, Rashba mentions a widespread agreement to insist on the presence of a minyan for kiddushin and the presence of family as well as the local chazan (prayer leader).⁴

In the fourteenth century, Rivash reports on a decree in Ashkenaz requiring rabbinic approbation for any commitment to marry:⁵

About two centuries later, Rema reports that it is customary for a local Rav to officiate at and take a fee for a chuppa:

In these halachic developments, we see an emerging role for a local religious figure or Rav to be present at kiddushin, with a minimum of a minyan of attendees. One aspect of the role would be a sort of licensing, ensuring that the kiddushin would be known to the local community and its rabbinate. In much of Europe, this role was cemented in the late eighteenth and early nineteenth century when Jewish communities lost legal autonomy and laws in the Austrian, French, and Russian empires mandated the presence of recognized clergy for legal licensing of weddings.⁶

A second, ritual aspect would be reciting birkat eirusin, which, as we have learned, would protect the honor of less learned chatanim. Rashba’s student, Ritva, reports that the prayer leader would recite it:

Rema adds that reciting birkat eirusin was an accepted rabbinic role, so much so that he himself recited it even at a wedding held when he was in mourning:

A third, natural evolution of the role would be to provide halachic oversight of the kiddushin.

Along these lines, in the early eighteenth century, Rav Yaakov Reischer suggests that, beyond permission from local halachic authorities, a Rav officiating at a wedding should le-chatchila (from the outset) himself be a recognized expert in matters of gittin and kiddushin:

Others rely on Taz, in the seventeenth century, who considered it sufficient for the mesader kiddushin to be less learned.

It is now a firmly entrenched custom to have a Rav, known as a mesader kiddushin, facilitate local rabbinic recognition of a marriage and supervise all halachic phases of the wedding: ensuring that the couple is halachically fit to marry, designating and checking the fitness of the witnesses, and overseeing the ketuba and all halachic aspects of the ceremony, especially the act of kiddushin. It is also customary in most communities for the mesader kiddushin to recite birkat eirusin. Often, the mesader kiddushin also acts as a sort of master of ceremonies at a chuppa, and shares words of Torah and blessing as well as explanation and insight into the ceremony.

In Israel, where there is no civil marriage, the licensing and halachic functions are closely intertwined. The mesader kiddushin must be a Rav approved by the Israeli Rabbinate as being sufficiently familiar with the halachot of marriage to perform a legal wedding, which usually requires passing a written exam or being recognized as an expert in these halachot.⁷

In practice, though, sometimes another family member or guest is honored with reciting birkat eirusin. Outside of Israel, there is often more flexibility for who can officiate at a wedding, but it is still important out of respect for custom and for the licensure of a wedding, for a mesader kiddushin to be approved by local halachic and legal authorities. These requirements translate, in Israel and other locales, into only men serving as mesaderei kiddushin at traditional orthodox weddings.

Since, according to many views, birkat eirusin is fundamentally a beracha obligatory on the chatan, some maintain that the chatan has precedence in selecting the mesader kiddushin when there is conflict between the chatan and kalla, or their families, on the matter:

A conception of birkat eirusin as the chatan’s beracha may also preclude a woman from reciting it. (See more here.)

In a statement about female rabbis, a Rabbinic Panel for the Orthodox Union ruled that a woman cannot act as clergy by officiating at a wedding. It is not entirely clear to which aspects of the role of mesader kiddushin this statement refers, especially since the OU permits women to teach Torah at such occasions:⁸

This statement would still seem to leave room for a woman sharing words of Torah at a chuppa or serving as MC, including halachic explanations of the ceremony, depending on the tzeniut standards of the community. (Still, as we’ll see in our next piece, Rav Herschel Shachter, one of the signatories of this statement, came out strongly against women reading the ketuba at a wedding, for tzeniut reasons that would likely also apply here.) Rav Yehuda Henkin explicitly rules that the MC role is open to women:

Apprising public participants in a wedding ceremony in advance of women’s speaking under the chuppa is important for ensuring their comfort with the chuppa in which they will be participating.

It is also now typical for a couple to meet with a mesader kiddushin in advance of the wedding to discuss their plans. A valued female spiritual mentor could take part in similar discussions, perhaps joining in conversations with the mesader kiddushin, and thus contributing to the halachic preparations for the wedding.

The first stage of the ceremony under the chuppa is kiddushin, betrothal. Birkat eirusin is recited just prior to kiddushin, usually by the mesader kiddushin. The beracha is recited over a cup of wine, from which the chatan and kalla take a taste. (See more here.) In some communities, a beracha over fragrant spices is made at this juncture as well.

Two witnesses must hear and observe the kiddushin for it to take effect. The witnesses need to be Jewish men⁹ who observe mitzvot and are not related to the couple or to each other.¹⁰ As we learned in our piece on the concept of kiddushin (here), kiddushin is enacted by the transfer of any item worth at least a peruta (the smallest halachic unit of currency, worth even less than a US quarter or an Israeli shekel),¹¹ from the possession of the chatan to the kalla.

The mesader kiddushin will confirm that the object in question belongs to the chatan,¹² that the witnesses can attest to its value, and that the kalla is not particular about how it is made.

Before performing kiddushin, the chatan formally states to the kalla that she is becoming betrothed to him in accordance with the laws of Moshe and Yisrael through the object he transfers to her possession. He typically repeats these words after the mesader kiddushin.

The Ring

In some communities, such as the Syrian community,¹³ a coin is used to effect kiddushin, harkening back to the mishna’s description of kiddushei kesef (kiddushin with money). The Zohar mentions the use of a ring for kiddushin, which is seen as representing the couple’s connection.¹⁴ A ring has long been a prevalent mode of kiddushin, already noted in Geonic times.¹⁵

A simple, gold ring gives the kalla no false impressions about its value, so we can be confident that the kiddushin will not be challenged as having taken place under false pretenses:

A ring also has the advantage of serving as a sign of marriage following the wedding:

The chatan traditionally places the ring on the kalla’s index finger:

However, even if he simply gave her the ring without placing it on any finger, the kiddushin take effect.

When a kalla is in nidda, physical contact with her chatan is restricted. This raises questions about how she should receive her ring. Maharil suggests that the ring be dropped onto her finger:

Or Zarua, however, rules that the chatan may place the ring directly on her finger. The couple are not yet married at this stage of the ceremony, and relations remain off limits. Therefore, extra concerns with a married couple passing objects to each other or inadvertently touching during nidda do not yet apply:¹⁶

Rav Shmuel Wosner rules in accordance with the lenient view, but specifies that the couple should take care not to touch:

Kiddushin take effect only with the kalla’s consent. (Learn more here.) The kalla’s holding out her hand following the chatan’s statement that he is mekadesh can be understood as a way of expressing her consent to the kiddushin:¹⁷

Is there room for a kalla to indicate verbally that she accepts kiddushin? While simple verbal expressions of consent aren’t customary, they also do not affect the validity of the kiddushin.¹⁸ Meiri explains that once kiddushin are performed, a kalla’s statement of acceptance has no effect on them:

However, ruling in this way does not typically translate into encouraging the kalla to respond to kiddushin. For example, Rav Binyamin Adler writes:¹⁹

The Alter Rebbe connects the kalla’s silent acceptance of kiddushin with the vagaries of exile. The kalla represents the sefira of malchut, which rises as we approach redemption:²⁰

According to this vision, a redemptive future will include a kalla finding her voice.

She-hechiyyanu

May a kalla recite the beracha of she-hechiyyanu upon receiving her ring?

In she-hechiyyanu, we bless God “Who has kept us alive, and sustained us, and brought us to this time.” In line with its reference to time, it is obligatory to recite she-hechiyyanu at the onset of holidays, and over mitzvot that come at festive times, or at long intervals.²²

The fundamental halacha is also to recite she-hechiyyanu over occurrences that fill a person with joy, such as acquiring significant new clothes or jewelry.

When joy is shared with another, the beracha of ha-tov ve-hameitiv, “Who is good and bestows good,” is recited instead. Shulchan Aruch rules that this is the appropriate beracha to recite over a gift. Other authorities, however, including the Mishna Berura, rule that one should recite she-hechiyyanu upon receiving a gift.

In his Bei’ur Halacha, he adds that even those authorities who would prefer ha-tov ve-hameitiv over a gift acknowledge that she-hechiyyanu would not be a beracha in vain.²⁵

In practice, she-hechiyyanu is often not recited over new acquisitions:

Perhaps a general tendency not to recite she-hechiyyanu at every opportunity can help explain why it is not customary for a kalla to recite she-hechiyyanu over her wedding ring.

Along these lines, Rav Yosef Lieberman rules that a kalla should not recite she-hechiyyanu over her wedding ring following kiddushin. In his understanding, she-hechiyyanu isn’t commonly recited over jewelry. Furthermore, he notes that we make an effort at a wedding to emphasize that the ring need only be worth a peruta, which perhaps detracts from its significance:

Still, there is halachic basis for the beracha. In the early nineteenth century, Eshel Avraham rules that it is proper for a kalla to recite she-hechiyyanu when she first wears significant pieces of jewelry following the wedding:

Similarly, in the mid-twentieth century, Rav Moshe Feinstein suggests that a kalla receiving an engagement ring (not a wedding ring for the purpose of kiddushin) should recite ha-tov ve-hameitiv:

The ring used for kiddushin would seem to bring no less joy than the engagement ring. Though it is simpler and less financially valuable, its significance is exponentially greater. Indeed, Rav Yaakov Ariel is quoted as saying that it is permissible for a kalla to recite she-hechiyyanu over receiving her wedding ring, but that doing so in public raises issues of tzeniut:

This would seem to leave room for a kalla to recite she-hechiyyanu over receiving her ring in a soft voice or, in a community in which women take on more public roles, to recite it in a public way. A kalla’s she-hechiyyanu over receiving her ring is one possible expression of her joy in accepting it and the kiddushin it represents. (We discuss the possibility of reciting she-hechiyyanu at a later point in the wedding here.)

In recent years, it has become increasingly common for halachically observant men to wear wedding rings. Decades ago, Rav Moshe Feinstein ruled that it is fully permissible for a man to wear a wedding ring, in part as a sign of marriage:

In many circles, chatan and kalla privately give each other gifts in the yichud room, following the wedding ceremony. Some kallot take this opportunity to give a ring to the chatan. Giving a ring outside of the chuppa draws a clear contrast between this act, with only personal significance, and the halachic significance of the ring used for kiddushin. It also avoids potential concerns specific to chuppa (which we’ll discuss shortly).

In general, the kalla giving a gift to the chatan ²⁶ once kiddushin have been concluded does not affect the validity of the kiddushin.²⁷ But doing so under the chuppa does raise other halachic issues:

Rav Moshe expresses concerns that presenting a ring to the chatan under the chuppa might be derived from gentile wedding customs, and thus akin to following idolatrous ordinances. Furthermore, it could lead to misunderstandings about the nature of kiddushin or to the halacha being forgotten. Still, he distinguishes between this situation and an exchange of rings under the chuppa, which he fears could raise questions about the validity of kiddushin.²⁸

Although Rav Moshe strongly disapproves of double-ring ceremonies, in pressing situations he permits a mesader kiddushin to enable a kalla to give her chatan a ring under the chuppa after kiddushin are complete—on condition that the mesader kiddushin clearly states that she is giving him the ring only as a gift.

More recently, a ruling was published in Eretz Hemda Institute’s Bemar’eh Ha-bazak that leaves room for a kalla to give her chatan a ring under the chuppa after the wedding ceremony has clearly ended, when it is very important to the kalla:

In Israel, some Rabbanim permit the kalla to gift the chatan a ring under the chuppa, following sheva berachot and breaking the glass; others do not:²⁹

As above, there is more rabbinic support for the kalla to privately give the chatan a ring after the chuppa is over, e.g., in the yichud room. Rosh Yeshivat Har Etzion Rav Baruch Gigi, permits giving a ring to the chatan upon his assumption of the obligations in the ketuba, which Ashkenazim typically perform prior to chuppa (see more here.) A kalla can also give the chatan a ring at a time other than the wedding.

In our next piece, we continue to discuss the wedding ceremony, beginning with the reading of the ketuba.