- In Brief
- In Depth
- Origins
- Why do we mourn in stages?
- Early Adopters
- Meat and Wine
- Appearance and Grooming
- Why should halacha differentiate between men and women regarding restrictions on grooming in the three weeks or nine days?
- Concluding Thoughts
- Further Reading
- Notes
- Sources
- Q&A
- Why do we mourn in stages?
- Why should halacha differentiate between men and women regarding restrictions on grooming in the three weeks or nine days?
- Podcast
What mourning practices apply as we approach Tish’a Be-Av? Do they have particular relevance for women?
In Brief
What sets bein ha-metzarim, the three weeks from Shiv’a Asar Be-Tammuz to Tish’a Be-Av, apart?
They are considered a time of threat and a time of escalating mourning for the Temples and other tragedies.
What are the stages of mourning?
The mourning increases in stages, from 17 Tammuz to Rosh Chodesh Av (the Nine Days) to Shavu’a she-chal bo (the week on which 9 Av falls). Ashkenazim typically begin on 17 Tammuz, Sephardim on Rosh Chodesh Av.
- Stage One: Restrictions on haircuts, music, weddings and celebrations.
- Stage Two: Restrictions on eating meat, drinking wine, doing laundry, and bathing.
For a comprehensive summary of the basic laws, see here and here. (We also have some interesting points in our notes.)
Do women have any special customs?
- According to the Talmud Yerushalmi, women initiated the custom of not weaving (or otherwise creating new clothes) during the three weeks.
- Another version of the text ascribes the custom to refrain from eating meat or drinking wine to women. In practice, this custom applies either from Rosh Chodesh Av (Ashkenazim) or on the week of Tish’a Be-Av.
Any exceptions on meat and wine?
- Participants at a se’udat mitzva, such as a siyyum (by a person of any gender), may eat meat and drink wine.
- Pregnant and nursing women (and perhaps even menstruating women) may eat meat as necessary to keep up strength.
Any other rules of special interest?
Many customs related to grooming are more lenient for women:
- Rav Yitzchak Yosef permits Sephardi women to get haircuts as desired throughout the three weeks.
- Rav Moshe Feinstein permits haircuts when needed, up until shavua she-chal bo.
- Rav Moshe reportedly permitted shaving body hair throughout the three weeks, even on shavua she-chal bo.
- Women may remove facial hair, apply cosmetics, or nail polish as usual (and not as a special treat) throughout the period.
Also, before Shabbat or mikveh immersion, it’s permissible to cut nails, wear freshly laundered clothes, or bathe. Quick bathing to remove sweat or dirt is permitted as well, ideally in cooler than usual water in order to reduce the pleasure involved.
In Depth
Rav Ezra Bick, Ilana Elzufon, Shayna Goldberg, and Laurie Novick, eds.
Origins
After the destruction of the second Temple, rabbinic texts make special note of the three-week time period that begins with the fast of Shiv’a Asar Be-Tammuz (17 Tammuz) and culminates with the fast of Tish’a Be-Av (9 Av).
Among other tragedies, 17 Tammuz marks the breaching of the walls of Jerusalem leading up to the destruction of the Second Temple as well as the cessation of offering the daily offerings, the korban Tamid and the wine libation, nisuch ha-yayin. Tish’a Be-Av marks the date on which both Temples were destroyed.
משנה תענית ד:ו
חֲמִשָּׁה דְבָרִים אֵרְעוּ אֶת אֲבוֹתֵינוּ בְּשִׁבְעָה עָשָׂר בְּתַמּוּז וַחֲמִשָּׁה בְּתִשְׁעָה בְאָב. בְּשִׁבְעָה עָשָׂר בְּתַמּוּז נִשְׁתַּבְּרוּ הַלּוּחוֹת, וּבָטַל הַתָּמִיד, וְהֻבְקְעָה הָעִיר, וְשָׂרַף אַפּוֹסְטֹמוֹס אֶת הַתּוֹרָה, וְהֶעֱמִיד צֶלֶם בַּהֵיכָל. בְּתִשְׁעָה בְאָב נִגְזַר עַל אֲבוֹתֵינוּ שֶׁלֹּא יִכָּנְסוּ לָאָרֶץ, וְחָרַב הַבַּיִת בָּרִאשׁוֹנָה וּבַשְּׁנִיָּה, וְנִלְכְּדָה בֵיתָר, וְנֶחְרְשָׁה הָעִיר. מִשֶּׁנִּכְנַס אָב, מְמַעֲטִין בְּשִׂמְחָה:
Mishna Ta'anit 4:6
Five things befell our ancestors on 17 Tammuz and five on Tish’a Be-Av. On 17 Tammuz the tablets were broken, and the Tamid was ceased, and the city was breached, and Apostomos burnt the Torah and erected an idol in the Temple. On 9 Av it was decreed that our forefathers not enter the Land, and the first and second Temples were destroyed, and Beitar was besieged, and the city was plowed over. With the arrival of Av we decrease our happiness.
Drawing on a phrase from Megillat Eicha, the midrash calls this time period bein ha-metzarim, “between the straits,” and depicts it as threatening and inauspicious.
איכה רבה א:ג
“כָּל רֹדְפֶיהָ הִשִּׂיגוּהָ בֵּין הַמְּצָרִים” (איכה א:ג) ביומין דעקא, משבעה עשר בתמוז עד תשעה באב, שבהם קטב מרירי מצוי
Eicha Rabba 1: 3
“All her pursuers overtook her between the straits” (Eicha 1:3) – on days of distress, from 17 Tammuz until 9 Av, when forces of bitter destruction are prevalent.
On Rosh Chodesh Av, a little more than halfway through these three weeks, we enter the nine days that will conclude with 9 Av. The mishna and Talmud describe customs of mourning that escalate in stages over this latter time period:
משנה תענית ד:ו-ז
משנכנס אב ממעטין בשמחה….שבת שחל תשעה באב להיות בתוכה אסור מלספר ומלכבס
Mishna Ta’anit 4:6-7
With the arrival of Av we decrease our happiness…The week in which Tish’a Be-Av falls, it is prohibited to cut hair, and to do laundry…
יבמות מג:
דתניא מראש חדש ועד התענית העם ממעטין מעסקיהן מלישא ומליתן מלבנות ולנטוע ומליארס ומלישא. שבת שחל תשעה באב בתוכה אסור לספר ולכבס.
Yevamot 43b
For it was taught: From the first day of the month [of Av] until the fast, the public restricts their activities in trade, building, and planting, and refrain from betrothals and marriages. During the week in which the Ninth of Av occurs it is forbidden to cut hair, and to wash clothes.
These sources reflect the duality of this time of year. It is perceived as a time of looming danger, when halachic authorities caution against undertaking risky activities, court cases, and new business ventures. Simultaneously, it is a time to mourn the loss of the Temple, the exile, and the tragedies that have befallen the Jewish people in all generations, as well as to reflect on the behavior that brought about these tragedies.
Accordingly, some halachic authorities advise against particularly dangerous pursuits throughout the Three Weeks, while others limit these precautions to the Nine Days.
So, too, many early halachic authorities describe customs of mourning that gradually increase in intensity in the days and weeks leading up to Tish’a Be-Av. Although there are variations among communal traditions, the first stage of mourning typically entails prohibitions on haircuts, weddings, and other celebrations, while the second stage restricts eating meat, drinking wine, doing laundry, and bathing.
Sephardim typically follow Shulchan Aruch, who rules like the Talmud that the first stage begins on Rosh Chodesh Av, with additional customs added the week of the fast of Tish’a be-Av.
Ashkenazim, following Rema, typically move up the beginning of the first stage to 17 Tammuz, treating the full Three Weeks as a time of communal mourning for the destruction of both Temples and the resulting exile.1
שולחן ערוך אורח חיים תקנא: ב
מראש חודש עד התענית ממעטים במשא ומתן ובבנין של שמחה…ואין נושאים נשים, ואין עושין סעודת אירוסין. … הגה: ונוהגין להחמיר שאין נושאים מי”ז בתמוז ואילך עד אחר ט’ באב (מנהגים):
Shulchan Aruch OC 551:2
From Rosh Chodesh [Av] until the fast [of Tish’a B’Av] we decrease business dealings and construction undertaken for reasons of joy…And we do not get married or make a celebratory meal for an engagement….Rema: And we have the custom to be stringent and not get married from 17 Tammuz onwards, until after Tish’a be-Av.
Almost all these traditions are customs, not rabbinic enactments, which allows for leniency in certain cases. Nevertheless, when a community accepts customs upon itself, they become binding,2 so they are not to be treated casually.
Why do we mourn in stages?
Rav Yosef Dov Soloveitchik draws a halachic and conceptual correspondence between the stages of mourning of before Tish’a Be-Av and the stages of mourning for a parent. The Three Weeks correspond to the twelve months of mourning (yud-bet chodesh), the Nine Days to the first month (sheloshim), and the day of Tish’a Be-Av to shiv’a.
On a halachic level, Rav Soloveitchik applies customs of mourning for a parent to the Three Weeks, regardless of whether they were mentioned explicitly by earlier halachic authorities.
Conceptually, he explains that the laws and customs of mourning both respond to human emotions and redirect them.3
Rav Yosef B. Soloveitchik, “Avelut Yeshanah and Avelut Hadashah: Historical and Individual Mourning”
Even though the mourning of an individual constitutes a kiyyum she-ba-lev, an inner, experiential fulfillment of the obligation to mourn, it must be translated into deeds, into technical observance….The Halakhah demanded that feeling be transposed into deed…that fleeting, amorphous moods be crystallized into real tangible symbols….Avelut yeshanah [mourning a past occurrence] does not establish itself at one bang; the process is generally slow. It…not only notes and gives heed to bygone days but also reexperiences, relives, restages and redramatizes remote events which seem to have forfeited their relevance long ago. The Halakhah could not decree observance of mourning at once. The reawakening takes time; it transpires gradually. It would be absurd, therefore, to start out with the practical observance of mourning before the experience has been reproduced and relived in all its tragic, frightening magnitude. The time between the Seventeenth of Tammuz and Rosh Hodesh Av is exclusively devoted to remembrance, to meditation, to reliving and reexperiencing. Only on Rosh Hodesh Av does the avelut she-ba-lev begin to be recorded on the register of objective mourning and the first signs of observance become visible.
The laws of mourning a parent reflect a person’s acute emotional distress and withdrawal from society after experiencing a major loss. They gradually decrease in intensity as the mourner reacclimates into society and regains emotional equilibrium.
The laws of mourning the Temples, considered a form of aveilut yeshana (lit. old mourning), are different. Here, we are not confronting to a new trauma, but attempting to mourn a historic one, albeit with lasting impact. We gradually increase the customs of mourning during the Three Weeks in order to evoke an emotional response to the loss and enter the proper mindset for Tish’a b’Av.
Early Adopters
Women receive special mention as originators or early adopters of some customs of mourning. In a passage devoted to assessing the validity of women’s customs, the Talmud Yerushalmi teaches that women would refrain from weaving as of Rosh Chodesh Av.
תלמוד ירושלמי פסחים ד:א
א”ר [=אמר רבי] זעירה נשייא דנהגן דלא למישתייה מן דאב עליל מנהג. שבו פסקה אבן שתייה
Talmud Yerushalmi Pesachim 4:1
Rabbi Ze’ira said, the women who were accustomed not to weave [de-la le-mishteiya] from [the first] of Av, it is an authentic custom. For that was when the foundation stone [even shetiyya] ceased.
Tur explains that not creating or fixing new garments is a form of decreasing joy, as the mishna prescribes from the beginning of Av. (This can apply nowadays to knitting or to crocheting kippot.) He then mentions a variant text of the Yerushalmi, which describes a second custom:
טור אורח חיים תקנא
דגרסי[נן] בירוש[למי] בפרק] מקום שנהגו נשי דנהיגי דלא למשתי עמרא מגו דעייל אב מנהגא ופירש רבי[נו] ניסים מלשון או בשתי או בערב וכיון שהשתי אסור כ”ש [=כל שכן] תיקון בגדים חדשים וראוי להחמיר בזה מר”ח [=מראש חודש] דהיינו נמי בכלל מיעוט שמחה ואית נוסחות דגרסי דלא למיכל בשרא ולמשתי חמרא ומזה נהגו במקומות שלא לאכול בשר ולא לשתות יין בשבת זו ויש מוסיפין מר”ח [=מראש חודש] עד התענית.
Tur OC 551
Our text of the Yerushalmi in the chapter “Makom She-nahagu” – women who were accustomed not to weave wool [le-mishtei amra] from the beginning of Av, it is a [valid] custom. Rabbeinu Nissim explained from the term [le-mishtei] from “either in the warp [sheti] or the weft.” Since weaving is forbidden, all the more so preparing new clothes, and it is proper to be stringent with this from Rosh Chodesh, since it is also included in decreasing joy. And there are texts that read: not to eat meat and to drink wine [le-mishtei chamra], and from this some places have the custom not to eat meat and not to drink wine during this week, and some add from Rosh Chodesh until the fast.
This variant maintains that pious women kept the custom not to eat meat during the lead-in to 9 Av, with some disagreement about when that should begin, 1 Av or the Sunday of the week of Tish’a Be-Av, shavu’a she-chal bo.5 Since meat and wine are associated with joyous occasions, refraining from partaking of them is another way to reduce joy, reflective of mourning.
Rav Asher of Lunel explains this as a mimetic tradition, passed from woman to woman, of mourning the cessation of the daily Tamid offering (meat) and the wine libation on 17 Tammuz, in line with his community’s practice to begin abstention from 17 Tammuz.
רב אשר מלוניל, ספר המנהגות
וראיתי נשים יקרות שנמנעות מלשתות יין ומאכל בשר מי”ז בתמוז עד י’ באב ואומרות כי כן קבלו מאמותיהם דור אחר דור. ונ”ב [=ונראה בעיני] משום הא דאמר במשנתינו בי”ז בתמוז בטל התמיד, וכן בעונותינו בטל ניסוך היין, ויש מן האנשים נוהגים כן. ונהגו בספרד שאין אוכלים בשר מר”ח אב עד י’ באב.
Rav Asher of Lunel, Sefer Ha-minhagot
I have seen esteemed women who refrain from eating meat and drinking wine from 17 Tammuz until the tenth of Av, and they say that they received this [tradition] from their mothers, generation after generation. It seems to me because of what our mishna says, that on 17 Tammuz the Tamid ceased, and similarly, due to our sins, the wine libation ceased. And there are some men who have this custom. And in Sefarad, the custom is not to eat meat from Rosh Chodesh Av until the tenth of Av.
Meat and Wine
As we’ve seen, one of the earliest customs of mourning was to abstain from eating meat and drinking wine. Shulchan Aruch records customs of those who did not eat meat or drink wine during shavua she-chal bo, others the entire Nine Days, and others the entire Three Weeks.
In practice, Shulchan Aruch rules that the basic custom not to eat meat or drink wine commences on the Motza’ei Shabbat that begins shavu’a she-chal bo, though he recognizes additions. Ashkenazic custom, as indicated by Rema, is to refrain from eating meat and drinking wine throughout the Nine Days, except for mitzvot such as maintaining the health of the sick or celebrating Shabbat or a berit mila.
שולחן ערוך או”ח תקנא:ט
יש נוהגים שלא לאכול בשר ושלא לשתות יין בשבת זו… ויש שמוסיפין מראש חודש עד התענית, ויש שמוסיפין מי”ז בתמוז. הגה: ומצניעים מראש חודש ואילך הסכין של שחיטה שאין שוחטים כ”א [=כי אם] לצורך מצוה כגון לחולה או שבת או מילה או פדיון הבן וכיוצא בו.
Shulchan Aruch OC 551:9
Some have the custom not to eat meat and not to drink wine during this week…and some add from Rosh Chodesh until the fast, and some add from 17 Tammuz. Rema: From Rosh Chodesh onwards, we put away the slaughtering knife, because we do not slaughter except when needed for a mitzva, as for a sick person or Shabbat or a mila or a pidyon ha-ben and so on.
In the next se’if, Rema expands on this:
רמ”א אורח חיים תקנא:י
ובסעודת מצוה, כגון מילה ופדיון הבן וסיום מסכת וסעודת אירוסין, אוכלים בשר ושותין כל השייכים לסעודה; אבל יש לצמצם לה שלא להוסיף. ובשבוע שחל ט’ באב בתוכה, אין לאכול בשר ולשתות יין רק לו מנין מצומצם, וזה אפילו בערב ת”ב [=תשעה באב] שרי (מנהגים ומהרי”ל), ובלבד שלא יהיה בסעודה שמפסיק בה…
Rema to OC 551:10
And for a mitzva feast, such as a mila or a pidyon ha-ben or a siyyum masechet or an engagement feast, all those connected to the feast eat meat and drink [wine], but one should limit it and not add on. During the week in which Tish’a Be-Av falls, only a bare minyan should eat meat or drink wine, and this is permissible even on erev Tish’a Be-Av, as long as it is not the meal immediately before the fast…
Rema allows for a limited number of celebrants to eat meat and drink wine at the celebration of a mitzva such as a berit, pidyon ha-ben, or siyyum masechet. Magen Avraham expressly states that women are included among the celebrants.
מגן אברהם אורח חיים תקנא: לה
דנשים השייכות לסעודה מותרים ג”כ [=גם כן] בבשר ויין ודוק[א] במקו[ם] שמזמני[ם] נשים לסעודה זו
Magen Avraham OC 551:35
Women connected to the feast are also permitted to partake of meat and wine, and specifically in a place where they invite women to this feast
In the case of a siyyum during the nine days,6 American halachic decisor Rav Shlomo Wahrman rules that when a woman makes a siyyum, it counts to allow attendees to eat meat, though he prefers for reasons of tzeni’ut for the attendees to be women or household members:
שארית יוסף ב:ד
כאשר אשה מסיימת מסכת מר”ח [=מראש חודש] עד ת”ב [תשעה באב] ובני ביתה או חבורה של נשים משתתפים בשמחתה לכאורה כולם רשאים לאכול בשר ולשתות יין כבשאר סעודות מצוה…
Rav Shlomo Wahrman, She'erit Yosef 2:4
When a woman completes a tractate between Rosh Chodesh and Tish’a Be-Av and the members of her household or a group of women join in her celebration, it seems that all of them are permitted to eat meat and drink wine as at other mitzva feasts…
A siyyum during the Nine Days at an institution, such as a yeshiva or camp, can include everyone who usually eats together and allow them all to eat meat.7
With the exception of the seuda mafseket, the final meal before Tish’a Be-Av, the proscription of eating meat is a custom, not a rabbinic commandment. Therefore, one who is sick, even with a minor illness, may eat meat during the Nine Days and shavua she-chal bo.
משנה ברורה תקנא ס”ק סא
לחולה – אפילו חולה קצת. ואף דבסימן תקנ”ד סק”ט כתב המגן אברהם דנהגו קצת יולדות מז’ באב ואילך למנוע מבשר ויין, היינו שלא במקום חולי.
Mishna Berura 551:61
A sick person – even one who is only slightly ill. And even though Magen Avraham wrote (554:9) that some post-partum women refrained from eating meat and drinking wine from the 7th of Av, this only applies when they are not ill.
Pregnant and nursing women are generally included in the category of minor illness, so this halacha includes a pregnant woman who finds other food unappetizing or a nursing mother who needs meat for her own strength or her milk. Rav Ya’akov Reischer extends this leniency to allow menstruating women who find dairy unpalatable to eat poultry at this time of year.
שו”ת שבות יעקב א:כז
הרי דכל שבעה ימי נדתה היא בחזקת חולת קצת וכיון דעיק[ר] דין זה שלא לאכול בשר הוא רק מצד המנהג א”כ [=אם כן] במקום חולה אפי[לו] חולה קצת אין לנהוג איסור ובפרטו[ת] כל שבאה לשאול ודאי מרגיש[ה] בעצמה שאינה יכולה לסבול מאכל חלב מחמת מיחוש בגופה….והיינו דוקא לאכל בשר עוף…
Responsa Shevut Ya’akov I:27
For her entire seven days of nidda she is presumed to be slightly ill, and since the essence of this law not to eat meat is only a custom, if so, in a case of illness, even minor illness, one should not practice a prohibition. Specifically, any woman who comes to ask certainly feels in herself that she cannot tolerate dairy foods because of the sensation in her body…This is specifically to permit eating poultry…
Appearance and Grooming
In another parallel to the laws of mourning, a number of customs of this time period restrict typical behaviors related to appearance and grooming, such as getting a haircut, shaving, cutting nails, or using make-up. In many cases, there is special halachic leniency for women.
Why should halacha differentiate between men and women regarding restrictions on grooming in the three weeks or nine days?
Some halachot are defined in light of common practice. Until recently, for example, many forms of grooming have been considered feminine behavior. Acts such as removing body hair have been prohibited to men in locales and time periods in which they were considered feminine practices.
שולחן ערוך יו”ד קפב:א
המעביר שער בית שחי ובית הערוה, אפילו במספרים כעין תער, היו מכין אותו מכת מרדות. בד”א [=במה דברים אמורים], במקום שאין מעבירין אותו אלא נשים, כדי שלא יתקן עצמו תיקון נשים. אבל במקום שמעבירין אותו גם האנשים, אם העביר אין מכין אותו. הגה: ואפילו לכתחלה שרי
Shulchan Aruch YD 182:1
[A man] who removes hair from the armpits or pubic area, even with scissors like a razor, they would give him lashes of rebelliousness. Where does this apply? In a place where only women remove it, in order that he not groom himself in a feminine manner. But in a place where men also remove it, if he removed it, he does not receive lashes. Rema: And it is even permissible le-chat’chila (in the first place).
Modern halachic q and a abound with men asking questions as to whether such actions are still prohibited today. The answer often depends on changing communal norms.
Additionally, many of the leniencies for women’s grooming specifically mention married women, especially newlyweds, or single women dating for marriage. Leniencies in this vein focus on grooming as it relates to physical attraction within relationships. This concept is often expressed from the point of view of the man, as when Rabbi Akiva insists that a woman in nidda be permitted to make herself up and dress nicely lest she become unattractive to her husband:
שבת סד:
והדוה בנדתה, זקנים הראשונים אמרו: שלא תכחול ולא תפקוס ולא תתקשט בבגדי צבעונין, עד שבא רבי עקיבא ולימד: אם כן אתה מגנה על בעלה…
Shabbat 64b
“The one who is unwell during her nidda” (Vayikra 15:33), the first elders said: she should not use eye makeup or blush or adorn herself with colorful clothing, until Rabbi Akiva came and taught: If so, you make her unattractive to her husband…
Although norms of how we talk about women’s bodies and the male gaze have changed, physical attraction remains an important element of intimate relationships. As grooming standards for men evolve and as more wives are particular about their husbands’ grooming, it is possible that we’ll see more halachic leniencies for men’s grooming during the three weeks.
I. Hair Removal Following the Talmud, Shulchan Aruch rules that haircuts and shaving are prohibited only during shavua she-chal bo, while Rema says the custom is not to have haircuts for the entire Three Weeks.
שולחן ערוך אורח חיים תקנא: יב
תספורת שבוע זה, אחד ראשו ואחד כל שער שבו, אסור.
Shulchan Aruch OC 551:12
Cutting hair during this week, either his head or any other hair, is prohibited.
רמ”א אורח חיים תקנא: ד
הגה: …תספורת נוהגים להחמיר מי”ז בתמוז.
Rema OC 551:4
We are accustomed to be stringent with haircuts from 17 Tammuz,
Prevalent Ashkenazi men’s custom follows Rema, while Sephardi men’s custom depends on the specific community.
Several halachic authorities are more lenient here with women. Though Rema disagrees, Shulchan Aruch rules that women, even when in actual mourning over a relative, need not refrain from getting haircuts.
שולחן ערוך יו”ד שצ:ה
אשה מותרת בנטילת שער אחר ז’. הגה: ויש אוסרים אף לאשה, וכן עיקר.
Shulchan Aruch YD 390:5
A woman is permitted to remove hair after shiv’a. Rema: There are those who prohibit even for a woman, and this is the essential [law].
For this reason, Rav Yitzchak Yosef rules that Sephardi women may get haircuts as desired.
ילקוט יוסף מועדים מדיני ימי תשעה באב ז
אסור להסתפר בשבוע שחל בו תשעה באב….ומותר לאשה להסתפר בשבוע שחל בו תשעה באב.
Yalkut Yosef, Mo’adim, Mi-dinei Yemei Tish'a Be-Av 7
It is prohibited to get a haircut during the week in which Tish’a Be-Av falls…and it is permissible for a woman to get a haircut during the week in which Tish’a Be-Av falls.
In 18th-century Austria, Rav Meir Eisenstadt also rules leniently regarding women’s haircuts:8
שו”ת פנים מאירות ג:לז
ועוד נשאלתי אשה אם מותרת לגלח מר”ח [=מראש חודש] עד התענית ונראה לי ג”כ [=גם כן] כיון דבאבל גופא פסק הרי”ף והרמב”ם דאשה מותרת לגלח אחר ז’ נראה להקל באבילו[ת] ישינה במילי דיחיד ולסמוך במילי דרבנן על הרי”ף והרמב”ם דמותר ג”כ [=גם כן] לאשה לגלח מר”ח [=מראש חודש] עד התענית
Responsa Panim Me’irot III:37
I was further asked by a woman if it is permissible to shave [her head] from Rosh Chodesh until the fast. And it also seems to me that since with actual mourning the Rif and Rambam ruled that a woman is permitted to shave after shiv’a, it seems that one can be lenient with aveilut yeshana for a private matter, and rely in a rabbinic matter on the Rif and the Rambam that it is also permissible for a woman to shave from Rosh Chodesh until the fast
Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach reportedly relied on this leniency until shavu’a she-chal bo, at least for women who are dating:9
רב דוד אויערבאך, הליכות ביתה עמ’ שעא הערה ע*
שמעתי מדודי הגרש”ז שליט”א …איך שהוא אפשר ודאי להקל מר”ח [=מראש חודש] עד השבוע שחל בו ת”ב [=תשעה באב].
Rav David Auerbach, Halichot Beitah, p. 371, note 70*
I heard from my uncle, Rav Shlomo Zalman…that one can certainly be lenient from Rosh Chodesh until the week in which Tish’a Be-Av falls
Others provide more limited leniency. For example, Mishna Berura allows for the possibility of a woman trimming her hair specifically when it will otherwise be harder to contain within a head-covering:10
משנה ברורה תקנא:עט
תספורת וכו’ – ואחד האיש ואחד האשה שוין לאיסור ואפשר שיש להתיר באשה [לגלח] ריבוי שער דצדעין [פמ”ג]:
Mishna Berura 551:79
Haircut etc. – Both men and women are equal in this prohibition, and it is possible that one should allow a woman [to shave] a proliferation of hair on the temples.
While Rav Moshe Feinstein rules that women should ideally refrain from haircuts, he also leaves room for leniency as necessary until shavu’a she-chal bo.
שו”ת אגרות משה יו”ד ב:קלז
ובדבר תספורת לאשה בימי הספירה, הנה אף שהיה מסתבר להתיר מאחר שגם באבלות אחר שבעה תוך שלשים מתירין הרבה ראשונים… ובבין המצרים כיון שהוא רק מנהג יש להקל כהמתירין, אבל מ”מ [=מכל מקום] נראה הדין שראוי להחמיר אם אינו נחוץ כל כך.
Iggerot Moshe YD II 137
Regarding a haircut for a woman in the days of the omer count, even though it is reasonable to permit it, since even in mourning after shiv’a within sheloshim many early authorities permit it…during bein hametzarim, since it is only a matter of custom, one should be lenient like those who permit it, but in any case it seems that the law is that it is proper to be stringent if it [a haircut] is not terribly necessary.
As for body hair, there is no constraint on a woman’s removing hair that she is particular about for mikveh.11 Rav Moshe also reportedly permits a woman to shave body hair throughout the Three Weeks as is her custom, even during shavu’a she-chal bo:
Rav Shimon D. Eider, A Summary of the Halachos of the Three Weeks, p. 4
A married woman or one of marriageable age may shave her legs even during the Nine Days (I heard this from Rav Moshe Feinstein shlit”a).
The rules regarding removing facial hair are even more lenient. Rav Gavriel Ciner even permits men, for whom laws of grooming are usually stricter than for women, to shave their eyebrows:
נטעי גבריאל הלכות בין המצרים יט:ו
..שער הגבות, מותר לגלחן.
Nit'ei Gavriel, Laws of Bein Ha-metzarim 19:6
…Eyebrow hair, it is permitted to shave.
II. Cosmetics Rav David Auerbach infers that a woman may apply makeup and perfume in her usual way, since she does so in order to enhance beauty and not as a matter of joy.
רב דוד אויערבאך, הליכות ביתה עמ’ 371, הערה 70*
מטרת האיפור לשם קישוט ונוי וככה”ג [=וכל כי האי גונא] אין בזה משום תענוג ושמחה כיון שדרכה בכך כל השנה…דשאני תספורת שהוא מזמן לזמן….ודמיא לסריקת הראש דמותר אפילו בשבוע שחל בו ת”ב [=תשעה באב]…ומוכח דבאשה יש להקל טפי…אם דרכה בכך כל השנה..ולענין שימת מי-בושם על גופה או בגדיה מפני הזיעה, יש להתיר.
Rav David Auerbach, Halichot Beitah, p. 371, note 70*
The purpose of makeup is for adornment and beauty and the like, and it does not have an aspect of pleasure and joy because she does this the entire year…This is different from haircuts, which are occasional…and similar to combing hair, which is permissible even during the week in which Tish’a Be-Av falls…It is demonstrated that one should be more lenient with a woman…if she does this the entire year… and in the matter of putting perfume on her body or her clothing because of sweat, one can be lenient.
This reasoning could be extended to any grooming practice performed on a regular basis. As a matter of mourning, though, there is good reason to refrain from treatments that are performed infrequently and reserved for special occasions.
III. Cutting Nails There is debate about whether one should refrain like a mourner from cutting nails during shavu’a she-chal bo. Even those who follow this custom are lenient about cutting nails for Shabbat or in preparation for mikveh immersion.
משנה ברורה תקנא:כ
ולענין נטילת צפרנים יש דעות בין האחרונים אכן לצורך טבילת מצוה בודאי שרי. וכן לכבוד שבת…
Mishna Berura 551:20
Regarding cutting nails, there are different opinions among later authorities. Therefore, when needed for the mitzva of mikveh immersion, it is certainly permitted. And similarly in honor of Shabbat…
Applying polish in a woman’s usual way would be permitted as a cosmetic.
IV. Washing Washing for pleasure in warm water is prohibited during the nine days.12
שולחן ערוך או”ח תקנא: טז
יש נוהגים שלא לרחוץ מראש חדש, ויש שאין נמנעין אלא בשבת זו, ויש מתענים מי”ז בתמוז עד ט”ב [=ט’ באב]. הגה: ולצורך מצוה שרי; ולכן נדה רוחצת וטובלת (מהרי”ל); ואפי[לו] אם טובלת ליל י’ באב, מותר לה לרחוץ בערב ט”ב [=ט’ באב] אם א”א [=אי אפשר] לה לרחוץ ליל י’ (אגודה). ונראה דה”ה [=דהוא הדין] אשה הלובשת לבנים יכולה לרחוץ מעט כדרכה בשאר שנה, הואיל ואינה עושה לתענוג רק לצורך מצוה. ונוהגין שלא לרחוץ, אפילו בצונן, מראש חודש ואילך. (ת”ה סי’ ק”ו /ק”נ/) ואפי[לו] בערב שבת של חזון אסור לרחוץ כ”א [=כי אם] ראשו ופניו ידיו ורגליו בצונן (מהרי”ל ותשובת מהרי”ל סי’ ט”ו וב”י); ויש מקילים בחפיפת הראש בחמין למי שרגיל בכך כל שבת.
Shulchan Aruch 551:16
There are those who are accustomed not to bathe from Rosh Chodesh, and there are those who refrain only during this week, and there are those who fast from 17 Tammuz until Tish’a Be-av. Rema: It is permissible [to bathe] when necessary for a mitzva; therefore, a nidda bathes and immerses, and even if she immerses on the night of 10 Av, she is permitted to bathe on the eve of Tish’a Be-Av if it is not possible for her to bathe on the night of the 10th. It seems that this also applies to a woman who wears white [to begin counting her clean days], she may wash a bit as she normally does during the rest of the year, since she does not do it for pleasure, only for a mitzva. The custom is not to bathe even in cold water from Rosh Chodesh on. Even on the eve of Shabbat Chazon it is prohibited to bathe, except for his head, face, hands, and feet in cold water, and there are those who are lenient to wash the hair in warm water for those who normally do that every Shabbat.
Rema makes exceptions for a woman bathing in order to observe the laws of nidda or for anyone preparing for Shabbat who customarily bathes for Shabbat.
Nowadays we are more sensitive to dirt, odor, and perspiration. Therefore, many contemporary halachic authorities allow bathing for hygienic purposes, or to remove perspiration on hot summer days, washing quickly in cooler water, in order to remove sweat or dirt without taking excess pleasure.
שו”ת אגרות משה אה”ע ד:פד:ד
ולגבי שאלת בני הישיבה אם ביום חום מותר לרחוץ אחר ר”ח [=ראש חודש] אב עד עת”ב [=ערב תשעה באב] מאחר שמכונים להסיר הזיעה, ולא מחמת תענוג, באמת יש להקל.
Responsa Iggerot Moshe EH IV:84:4
Regarding the question of the yeshiva students, whether on a hot day it is permissible to bathe after Rosh Chodesh Av until Tish’a Be-Av, since they intend to remove sweat, and not for pleasure, one can really be lenient.
Similarly, although it is customary not to clean clothes, Rema is lenient with clothes that a woman needs to observe the laws of nidda or clothes for Shabbat. (See here about buying or wearing new clothes.)
שולחן ערוך או”ח תקנא:ג
שבוע שחל בו תשעה באב, אסורים לספר ולכבס, אפילו אינו רוצה ללובשו עתה, אלא להניחו לאחר ט’ באב. ואפילו אין לו אלא חלוק אחד, אסור. וכן המכובסים מקודם, בין ללבוש, בין להציע בהם המיטה. ואפילו מטפחות הידיים והשולחן אסור.הגה: ואנו נוהגין להחמיר בכל זה מתחלת ר”ח [=ראש חודש] עד אחר התענית, אם לא לצורך מצוה, כגון אשה הלובשת לבנים מותרת לכבס וללבוש לבנים ולהציע תחתיה (רוקח וא”ז), וכן לכבוד שבת לובשים כלי פשתן ומציעין לבנים כמו בשאר שבתות.
Shulchan Aruch OC 551:3
The week of Tish’a Be-Av it is prohibited to get a haircut or do laundry, even if he does not want to wear it now but rather put it aside until after the 9th of Av. And even if he only has one robe, it is prohibited. And [it is also prohibited to use clean] items that were laundered earlier – whether it’s clothing, sheets, hand or table towels. Rema: And we are stringent with all this from Rosh Chodesh until after the fast, but not in the case of a mitzva, such as a woman who is wearing white is permitted to launder and wear white and make the bed with white sheets…and similarly in honor of Shabbat we wear linen garments and use white sheets as on other Shabbatot.
רמ”א שולחן ערוך או”ח תקנא:יד
…. ואפילו בגדי שאר קטנים נוהגים להקל
Rema Shulchan Aruch OC 551:14
…Even with other children’s clothes the practice is to be lenient.
Concluding Thoughts
The stages of mourning during the Three Weeks are designed to help us internalize the loss of the Temples so that our mourning is truly felt. In the introduction to her book on the Three Weeks, Dr. Erica Brown raises the challenge of balancing physical and spiritual practice in this time period:13
Dr. Erica Brown, 'Introduction,' In the Narrow Places
Even when we recognize the cognitive importance of recalling the past, we are not always capable of rising to the emotional challenge of reliving it. Instead, we often find ourselves immersed in the particularities of Jewish law, reviewing the minutiae of observance, not always as a preparation for this period but often as a distraction. If we lose ourselves in the questions of whether or not to listen to music on a radio, buy particular objects of clothing if they are discounted, or engage in instructional swimming, we may avoid the more essential task of the season: creating genuine sorrow over the incalculable loss of our Jewish spiritual center….The halakhic restrictions of the period help us structure our worlds to minimize joy but they cannot force sadness; they can only minimize the conditions for happiness…. During the Three Weeks and Tish’a B’Av, we do not only bemoan a recurring past. We also stand in a spiritually secure place, in the presence of community, and ask ourselves the existential questions that every individual and community must ask.
Further Reading
- Rav David Auerbach, Halichot Beitah 25.
- Dr. Erica Brown, In the Narrow Places. Jerusalem: Koren, 2011.
- Rav David Brofsky, Bein Ha-metzarim: The Three Weeks, VBM shiur.
- Rav David Brofsky, The Nine Days, VBM shiur.
- Rav Shimon Eider. A Summary of the Halachos of the Three Weeks. Jerusalem: Feldheim, 1978.
Notes
1. There is some dispute as to whether these prohibitions begin the night of 17 Tammuz or with daybreak. Rav Moshe Feinstein allowed for weddings and haircuts in some cases in a case of great need, since this is based in custom.
שו”ת אגרות משה או”ח ד קי:ב
ובדבר אם מותר תספורת בלילה השייך לשבעה עשר בתמוז הנה למה שבארתי בתשובה (או”ח ח”א סי’ קס”ח) לענין לעשות נישואין בלילה הוא במחלוקת ראשונים בעה”מ ורמב”ן …..ולצורך גדול יש להתיר.
Responsa Iggerot Moshe OC IV:112:2
Regarding the matter of it is permissible to have a hair cut on the night of 17 Tammuz, according to what I explained in the matter of making a wedding on that night, it is a dispute of the early halachic authorities Ba’al Ha-me’or and Ramban…and for a great need one can permit it.
One halacha which Shulchan Aruch also applies from 17 Tammuz is not reciting She-hechiyyanu during the Three Weeks. On this topic, Mishna Berura clarifies that one can recite She-hechiyyanu on Shabbat during the three weeks and can even wear new clothes of an unremarkable nature on weekdays of the three weeks.
שולחן ערוך אורח חיים תקנא:יז
טוב ליזהר מלומר שהחיינו בין המצרים על פרי או על מלבוש. אבל על פדיון הבן אומר, ולא יחמיץ המצוה.
Shulchan Aruch OC 551:17
It is proper to refrain from reciting shehechiyanu on new fruit or clothing during the three weeks. But he should recite it upon redeeming a firstborn so as not to miss the mitzva.
משנה ברורה סימן תקנא:מה
ולדעת המקילין דבשבתות שבין המצרים מותר לברך שהחיינו א”כ מותר ללבוש חדשים [מח] בשבתות שבין המצרים אבל מר”ח ואילך אסור אפילו בשבת [מט] ובגדים שאינם חשובים כ”כ שא”צ לברך עליו שהחיינו כגון מנעלים חדשים ואנפלאות וכיו”ב בודאי מותר לקנותו וללבשו מי”ז בתמוז עד ר”ח
Mishna Berura 551:45
In accordance with the lenient view that one may recite She-hechiyyanu on Shabbatot of the three weeks, it is permissible to wear new clothse on the Shabbatot of the three weeks, but from Rosh Chodesh and onward it is prohibited even on Shabbat. Clothes that are not too important, over which one does not need to recite She-hechiyyanu, such as shoes and socks and the like are certainly permitted for purchase and wear from 17 Tammuz until Rosh Chodesh [Av].
4. A note on celebrations and music, which are often of particular interest:
The Talmud prohibits weddings and engagement festivities (though not engagements themselves) from the beginning of the month of Av. Shulchan Aruch rules accordingly, while Rema extends the custom to begin at 17 Tammuz:
שולחן ערוך אורח חיים תקנא:ג
ואין נושאים נשים, ואין עושין סעודת אירוסין. אבל ליארס בלא סעודה מותר. ואפילו בתשעה באב עצמו מותר ליארס, שלא יקדמנו אחר.
הגה: ונוהגין להחמיר שאין נושאים מי”ז בתמוז ואילך עד אחר ט’ באב
Shulchan Aruch OC 551:3
There are no weddings and no engagement feasts, but it is permissible to get engaged without a feast. It is even permissible to get engaged on Tisha Be-Av, lest someone else beat him to it. Rema: And we are accustomed to be stringent and do not get married from the 17th of Tammuz until after the 9th of Av.
Several halachic authorities, such as Magen Avraham, expand the ban on weddings to include other forms of celebration, specifically those that involve music and dance.
מגן אברהם שם ס”ק י
ונראה לי דאסור לעשות רקודין ומחולות מי”ז תמוז ואילך.
Magen Avraham 551:10
It seems to me that it is prohibited to have dances and frolics from the 17th of Tammuz and on.
This would seem to leave open the possibility of listening to music privately. However, there is a tradition that our enjoyment of live music in general should be curtailed following the destruction of Beit Ha-mikdash, which we discuss here. Over the course of the generations, most communities have become lenient about this. Still, halachic authorities have called for special care during the Three Weeks. Rav Ovadya Yosef, for example, rules against listening to most forms of recorded music during the Three Weeks and Nine Days.
שו”ת יחוה דעת ו:לד
בסיכום: אף על פי שמותר מעיקר הדין לשמוע בשאר ימות השנה דרך הרדיו ורשם – קול שירי קודש המלווים כלי נגינה, אבל בימי הספירה וכן בימי בין המצרים יש להימנע מלשומעם. ומכל מקום בשמחת מצוה כגון מילה, או פדיון הבן, או סיום מסכתא, או בר מצוה, מותר לשמוע שירי קודש המלווים בכלי נגינה, שכל שהיא שמחת מצוה יש להקל בדבר. ושירה בפה כשהיא דרך הודאה להשם יתברך, בלי כלי נגינה, מותרת אף בימים אלה, ומכל שכן שמותר להשמיע נעימה בתפלה, או בשעה שעוסק בתורה, וכל שכן בשבתות שבתוך ימי הספירה או ימי בין המצרים, ואין להחמיר בזה כלל.
Responsa Yechaveh Da’at VI:34
To summarize: Even though the basic halacha is to permit listening to religious songs with instrumental accompaniment during the rest of the year on the radio or a recording; however, during sefirat ha-omer and similarly during bein ha-metzarim one should refrain from hearing them. In any case, for a celebration of a mitzva such as a mila, or a pidyon ha-ben, or a siyyum of a tractate, or a bar mitzva, it is permitted to listen to religious songs with instrumental accompaniment, for wherever there is a celebration of a mitzva one may be lenient with this. Singing in the manner of praise to God, without instrumental accompaniment, is permitted even during these days, and all the more so that one may sing pleasant tunes during prayer, or when occupied with Torah, and all the more so on the Shabbatot that fall during sefirat ha-omer or bein ha-metzarim, and one should not be stringent with this at all.
Other opinions distinguish between the purpose of the music, or the type, or make exceptions to help those suffering from depression. For example, Rav Aharon Lichtenstein reportedly permitted music to facilitate staying awake when driving, or to keep time during exercise. (For more on this topic, see here). And Rav Herschel Shachter permitted listening to it while struggling with the Coronavirus pandemic. (Available here.)
Rav Eliezer Melamed writes that only happy music is ruled out, as opposed to sad music that reflects the theme of loss. Additionally, he allows for playing music on Friday afternoons and Motzei Shabbat to facilitate the transition from mourning to the sanctity of Shabbat.
פניני הלכה מנהגי שלשת השבועות ד
שיש לחלק בין ניגונים של שמחה לניגונים רגילים, שרק ניגונים של שמחה ראוי לאסור בימים אלו, אבל ניגונים רגילים, וקל וחומר ניגונים עצובים, אין לאסור בשלושת השבועות….הערה: נראה, שגם לפי המחמירים, ביום שישי אחר חצות ובמוצאי שבת, אפשר לנהוג כדעת המקילים, מפני שקדושת השבת ושמחתה חופפת על זמנים אלו
Peninei Halacha, Customs of the Three Weeks 4
One should distinguish between tunes of joy and regular tunes, for it is only fit to prohibit only tunes of joy in these days, but regular, tunes, and how much more so sad tunes, one should not prohibit in the three weeks…Note: It seems that even according to those who are stringent, on Friday afternoon and on Motza’ei Shabbat one can act in accordance with the lenient view, since the sanctity and joy of Shabbat overlaps with these times.
מחזור ויטרי רסגבתלמוד ירושלמי
אמר מר הני נשי דידן דלא שתו חמרא משבעה עשר בתמוז עד תשעה באב מנהגא הוא. ורוב הגאונים שבלותיר נהגו שלא לאכול בשר ושלא לשתות יין משנכנס אב עד ט’ באב. וערב ט’ באב פת ומלח ומים דיש שמקדימין מי”ז בתמוז עד ט’ באב לנהוג כן.
Machzor Vitry 263
In the Talmud Yerushalmi, the master said: our women who did not drink wine from 17 Tammuz until Tish’a Be-Av, it is a [valid] custom. Most of the ge’onim in Lotharingia were accustomed not to eat meat and not to drink wine from the beginning of Av until 9 Av. On the eve of 9 Av, bread with salt and water, for some start early, to observe this custom from 17 Tammuz until 9 Av.
6. There are many who purposely plan a siyyum for this time period so that they may eat meat. Aruch Ha-shulchan offers a nuanced outlook on this custom:
ערוך השולחן אורח חיים תקנא:כח
ודע שיש שמניחים הסיום מסכת על ימים אלו, כדי לאכול בשר. ודבר מכוער הוא… מכל מקום להניח לכתחילה בשביל אכילת בשר – לא נאה ולא יאה. ויש שלומדים לכתחלה מסכת כדי לעשות סיום בימים אלו, ודבר זה אפשר, כדי לעשות שעל ידי זה יעסוק בתורה. מיהו, אין לבקש על הסיום רק תלמידי חכמים השייכים ללימוד התורה. ואנחנו לא נהגנו בסיום, ואפילו כשיארע סיום בימים אלו – אנו מניחין הסיום עד אחר תשעה באב, כדי שנוכל לשמוח בשמחת הסיום לכבוד התורה כראוי.
Aruch Ha-shulchan OC 551:28
There are some who delay finishing a tractate until this time so that they can eat meat. And this is an ugly thing… to purposefully delay in order to eat meat – it is unseemly and inappropriate. And there are those who purposely learn a tractate so that they may make a siyyum in this time, and this is allowed, as this is an incentive to learn Torah, but only students of Torah scholars who also learn Torah should be invited. And we do not have the custom of making a siyyum, and if we happen to finish we delay the siyyum until after Tish’a Be-Av, so that we can properly rejoice in the celebration of the siyyum and give proper honor to the Torah.
8. Tosafot consider a similar argument:
תוספות יבמות מג.
דשמא אשה דשריא באבלה שריא נמי [להסתפר] בתשעה באב
Tosafot Yevamot 43a
Perhaps a woman, who is permitted during mourning, is also permitted [to cut her hair] on Tish’a Be-Av
פרי מגדים משבצות זהב על שולחן ערוך אורח חיים תקנא יב
ואשה לאחר ז’ י”ל [=יש ללומר] כב”ח להתיר לגלח צדעין אפשר כה”ג [=כהאי גוונא] כאן.
Peri Megadim, Mishbetzot Zahav on OC 551:12
A woman after shiv’a, on can rule in accordance with Bach to permit shaving the temples, it is possible that the same applies here.
ב”ח יורה דעה סימן שצ:ו
דבמקום שדרכה של אשה לגלח שערותיה אלו כגון ריבוי שערות דצידעא ובת צידעא מותרת ליטלם אחר שבעה
Bach YD 390:6
For in a place where a woman normally shaves this hair, like proliferation of hair at the temples, she may remove them after shiv’a.
שיעורי שבט הלוי קצח:כ
והנוהגות לקצוץ מותרת גם בספירה ובין המצרים…
Shiurei Shevet ha-Levi 198:20
And those who are accustomed to cut it are permitted to also during Sefira and Bein ha-metzarim.
12. Rav Ovadia Yosef writes that Sephardic custom limits this to shavua she-chal bo.
שו”ת יחוה דעת חלק א סימן לח
אולם בארץ ישראל מנהגינו להקל כדברי הרמב”ם ושאר גאוני ספרד, שלא אסרו מצד המנהג, אלא בשבוע שחלק בו תשעה באב.
Yechaveh Da'at I:38
However in the Land of Israel our custom is to be lenient in accordance with the words of Rambam and the other early authorities of Spain, who prohibited [washing] as a custom only in the week on which Tish’a Be-Av falls.
Sources
To see these sources in context on Sefaria, click here!
Origins
משנה תענית ד:ו
חֲמִשָּׁה דְבָרִים אֵרְעוּ אֶת אֲבוֹתֵינוּ בְּשִׁבְעָה עָשָׂר בְּתַמּוּז וַחֲמִשָּׁה בְּתִשְׁעָה בְאָב. בְּשִׁבְעָה עָשָׂר בְּתַמּוּז נִשְׁתַּבְּרוּ הַלּוּחוֹת, וּבָטַל הַתָּמִיד, וְהֻבְקְעָה הָעִיר, וְשָׂרַף אַפּוֹסְטֹמוֹס אֶת הַתּוֹרָה, וְהֶעֱמִיד צֶלֶם בַּהֵיכָל. בְּתִשְׁעָה בְאָב נִגְזַר עַל אֲבוֹתֵינוּ שֶׁלֹּא יִכָּנְסוּ לָאָרֶץ, וְחָרַב הַבַּיִת בָּרִאשׁוֹנָה וּבַשְּׁנִיָּה, וְנִלְכְּדָה בֵיתָר, וְנֶחְרְשָׁה הָעִיר. מִשֶּׁנִּכְנַס אָב, מְמַעֲטִין בְּשִׂמְחָה:
Mishna Ta'anit 4:6
Five things befell our ancestors on 17 Tammuz and five on Tish’a Be-Av. On 17 Tammuz the tablets were broken, and the Tamid was ceased, and the city was breached, and Apostomos burnt the Torah and erected an idol in the Temple. On 9 Av it was decreed that our forefathers not enter the Land, and the first and second Temples were destroyed, and Beitar was besieged, and the city was plowed over. With the arrival of Av we decrease our happiness.
איכה רבה א:ג
“כָּל רֹדְפֶיהָ הִשִּׂיגוּהָ בֵּין הַמְּצָרִים” (איכה א:ג) ביומין דעקא, משבעה עשר בתמוז עד תשעה באב, שבהם קטב מרירי מצוי
Eicha Rabba 1: 3
“All her pursuers overtook her between the straits” (Eicha 1:3) – on days of distress, from 17 Tammuz until 9 Av, when forces of bitter destruction are prevalent.
משנה תענית ד:ו-ז
משנכנס אב ממעטין בשמחה….שבת שחל תשעה באב להיות בתוכה אסור מלספר ומלכבס
Mishna Ta’anit 4:6-7
With the arrival of Av we decrease our happiness…The week in which Tish’a Be-Av falls, it is prohibited to cut hair, and to do laundry…
יבמות מג:
דתניא מראש חדש ועד התענית העם ממעטין מעסקיהן מלישא ומליתן מלבנות ולנטוע ומליארס ומלישא. שבת שחל תשעה באב בתוכה אסור לספר ולכבס.
Yevamot 43b
For it was taught: From the first day of the month [of Av] until the fast, the public restricts their activities in trade, building, and planting, and refrain from betrothals and marriages. During the week in which the Ninth of Av occurs it is forbidden to cut hair, and to wash clothes.
שולחן ערוך אורח חיים תקנא: ב
מראש חודש עד התענית ממעטים במשא ומתן ובבנין של שמחה…ואין נושאים נשים, ואין עושין סעודת אירוסין. … הגה: ונוהגין להחמיר שאין נושאים מי”ז בתמוז ואילך עד אחר ט’ באב (מנהגים):
Shulchan Aruch OC 551:2
From Rosh Chodesh [Av] until the fast [of Tish’a B’Av] we decrease business dealings and construction undertaken for reasons of joy…And we do not get married or make a celebratory meal for an engagement….Rema: And we have the custom to be stringent and not get married from 17 Tammuz onwards, until after Tish’a be-Av.
Rav Yosef B. Soloveitchik, “Avelut Yeshanah and Avelut Hadashah: Historical and Individual Mourning”
Even though the mourning of an individual constitutes a kiyyum she-ba-lev, an inner, experiential fulfillment of the obligation to mourn, it must be translated into deeds, into technical observance….The Halakhah demanded that feeling be transposed into deed…that fleeting, amorphous moods be crystallized into real tangible symbols….Avelut yeshanah [mourning a past occurrence] does not establish itself at one bang; the process is generally slow. It…not only notes and gives heed to bygone days but also reexperiences, relives, restages and redramatizes remote events which seem to have forfeited their relevance long ago. The Halakhah could not decree observance of mourning at once. The reawakening takes time; it transpires gradually. It would be absurd, therefore, to start out with the practical observance of mourning before the experience has been reproduced and relived in all its tragic, frightening magnitude. The time between the Seventeenth of Tammuz and Rosh Hodesh Av is exclusively devoted to remembrance, to meditation, to reliving and reexperiencing. Only on Rosh Hodesh Av does the avelut she-ba-lev begin to be recorded on the register of objective mourning and the first signs of observance become visible.
Early Adopters
תלמוד ירושלמי פסחים ד:א
א”ר [=אמר רבי] זעירה נשייא דנהגן דלא למישתייה מן דאב עליל מנהג. שבו פסקה אבן שתייה
Talmud Yerushalmi Pesachim 4:1
Rabbi Ze’ira said, the women who were accustomed not to weave [de-la le-mishteiya] from [the first] of Av, it is an authentic custom. For that was when the foundation stone [even shetiyya] ceased.
טור אורח חיים תקנא
דגרסי[נן] בירוש[למי] בפרק] מקום שנהגו נשי דנהיגי דלא למשתי עמרא מגו דעייל אב מנהגא ופירש רבי[נו] ניסים מלשון או בשתי או בערב וכיון שהשתי אסור כ”ש [=כל שכן] תיקון בגדים חדשים וראוי להחמיר בזה מר”ח [=מראש חודש] דהיינו נמי בכלל מיעוט שמחה ואית נוסחות דגרסי דלא למיכל בשרא ולמשתי חמרא ומזה נהגו במקומות שלא לאכול בשר ולא לשתות יין בשבת זו ויש מוסיפין מר”ח [=מראש חודש] עד התענית.
Tur OC 551
Our text of the Yerushalmi in the chapter “Makom She-nahagu” – women who were accustomed not to weave wool [le-mishtei amra] from the beginning of Av, it is a [valid] custom. Rabbeinu Nissim explained from the term [le-mishtei] from “either in the warp [sheti] or the weft.” Since weaving is forbidden, all the more so preparing new clothes, and it is proper to be stringent with this from Rosh Chodesh, since it is also included in decreasing joy. And there are texts that read: not to eat meat and to drink wine [le-mishtei chamra], and from this some places have the custom not to eat meat and not to drink wine during this week, and some add from Rosh Chodesh until the fast.
רב אשר מלוניל, ספר המנהגות
וראיתי נשים יקרות שנמנעות מלשתות יין ומאכל בשר מי”ז בתמוז עד י’ באב ואומרות כי כן קבלו מאמותיהם דור אחר דור. ונ”ב [=ונראה בעיני] משום הא דאמר במשנתינו בי”ז בתמוז בטל התמיד, וכן בעונותינו בטל ניסוך היין, ויש מן האנשים נוהגים כן. ונהגו בספרד שאין אוכלים בשר מר”ח אב עד י’ באב.
Rav Asher of Lunel, Sefer Ha-minhagot
I have seen esteemed women who refrain from eating meat and drinking wine from 17 Tammuz until the tenth of Av, and they say that they received this [tradition] from their mothers, generation after generation. It seems to me because of what our mishna says, that on 17 Tammuz the Tamid ceased, and similarly, due to our sins, the wine libation ceased. And there are some men who have this custom. And in Sefarad, the custom is not to eat meat from Rosh Chodesh Av until the tenth of Av.
Meat and Wine
שולחן ערוך או”ח תקנא:ט
יש נוהגים שלא לאכול בשר ושלא לשתות יין בשבת זו… ויש שמוסיפין מראש חודש עד התענית, ויש שמוסיפין מי”ז בתמוז. הגה: ומצניעים מראש חודש ואילך הסכין של שחיטה שאין שוחטים כ”א [=כי אם] לצורך מצוה כגון לחולה או שבת או מילה או פדיון הבן וכיוצא בו.
Shulchan Aruch OC 551:9
Some have the custom not to eat meat and not to drink wine during this week…and some add from Rosh Chodesh until the fast, and some add from 17 Tammuz. Rema: From Rosh Chodesh onwards, we put away the slaughtering knife, because we do not slaughter except when needed for a mitzva, as for a sick person or Shabbat or a mila or a pidyon ha-ben and so on.
רמ”א אורח חיים תקנא:י
ובסעודת מצוה, כגון מילה ופדיון הבן וסיום מסכת וסעודת אירוסין, אוכלים בשר ושותין כל השייכים לסעודה; אבל יש לצמצם לה שלא להוסיף. ובשבוע שחל ט’ באב בתוכה, אין לאכול בשר ולשתות יין רק לו מנין מצומצם, וזה אפילו בערב ת”ב [=תשעה באב] שרי (מנהגים ומהרי”ל), ובלבד שלא יהיה בסעודה שמפסיק בה…
Rema to OC 551:10
And for a mitzva feast, such as a mila or a pidyon ha-ben or a siyyum masechet or an engagement feast, all those connected to the feast eat meat and drink [wine], but one should limit it and not add on. During the week in which Tish’a Be-Av falls, only a bare minyan should eat meat or drink wine, and this is permissible even on erev Tish’a Be-Av, as long as it is not the meal immediately before the fast…
מגן אברהם אורח חיים תקנא: לה
דנשים השייכות לסעודה מותרים ג”כ [=גם כן] בבשר ויין ודוק[א] במקו[ם] שמזמני[ם] נשים לסעודה זו
Magen Avraham OC 551:35
Women connected to the feast are also permitted to partake of meat and wine, and specifically in a place where they invite women to this feast
שארית יוסף ב:ד
כאשר אשה מסיימת מסכת מר”ח [=מראש חודש] עד ת”ב [תשעה באב] ובני ביתה או חבורה של נשים משתתפים בשמחתה לכאורה כולם רשאים לאכול בשר ולשתות יין כבשאר סעודות מצוה…
Rav Shlomo Wahrman, She'erit Yosef 2:4
When a woman completes a tractate between Rosh Chodesh and Tish’a Be-Av and the members of her household or a group of women join in her celebration, it seems that all of them are permitted to eat meat and drink wine as at other mitzva feasts…
משנה ברורה תקנא ס”ק סא
לחולה – אפילו חולה קצת. ואף דבסימן תקנ”ד סק”ט כתב המגן אברהם דנהגו קצת יולדות מז’ באב ואילך למנוע מבשר ויין, היינו שלא במקום חולי.
Mishna Berura 551:61
A sick person – even one who is only slightly ill. And even though Magen Avraham wrote (554:9) that some post-partum women refrained from eating meat and drinking wine from the 7th of Av, this only applies when they are not ill.
שו”ת שבות יעקב א:כז
הרי דכל שבעה ימי נדתה היא בחזקת חולת קצת וכיון דעיק[ר] דין זה שלא לאכול בשר הוא רק מצד המנהג א”כ [=אם כן] במקום חולה אפי[לו] חולה קצת אין לנהוג איסור ובפרטו[ת] כל שבאה לשאול ודאי מרגיש[ה] בעצמה שאינה יכולה לסבול מאכל חלב מחמת מיחוש בגופה….והיינו דוקא לאכל בשר עוף…
Responsa Shevut Ya’akov I:27
For her entire seven days of nidda she is presumed to be slightly ill, and since the essence of this law not to eat meat is only a custom, if so, in a case of illness, even minor illness, one should not practice a prohibition. Specifically, any woman who comes to ask certainly feels in herself that she cannot tolerate dairy foods because of the sensation in her body…This is specifically to permit eating poultry…
Appearance and Grooming
שולחן ערוך יו”ד קפב:א
המעביר שער בית שחי ובית הערוה, אפילו במספרים כעין תער, היו מכין אותו מכת מרדות. בד”א [=במה דברים אמורים], במקום שאין מעבירין אותו אלא נשים, כדי שלא יתקן עצמו תיקון נשים. אבל במקום שמעבירין אותו גם האנשים, אם העביר אין מכין אותו. הגה: ואפילו לכתחלה שרי
Shulchan Aruch YD 182:1
[A man] who removes hair from the armpits or pubic area, even with scissors like a razor, they would give him lashes of rebelliousness. Where does this apply? In a place where only women remove it, in order that he not groom himself in a feminine manner. But in a place where men also remove it, if he removed it, he does not receive lashes. Rema: And it is even permissible le-chat’chila (in the first place).
שבת סד:
והדוה בנדתה, זקנים הראשונים אמרו: שלא תכחול ולא תפקוס ולא תתקשט בבגדי צבעונין, עד שבא רבי עקיבא ולימד: אם כן אתה מגנה על בעלה…
Shabbat 64b
“The one who is unwell during her nidda” (Vayikra 15:33), the first elders said: she should not use eye makeup or blush or adorn herself with colorful clothing, until Rabbi Akiva came and taught: If so, you make her unattractive to her husband…
שולחן ערוך אורח חיים תקנא: יב
תספורת שבוע זה, אחד ראשו ואחד כל שער שבו, אסור.
Shulchan Aruch OC 551:12
Cutting hair during this week, either his head or any other hair, is prohibited.
רמ”א אורח חיים תקנא: ד
הגה: …תספורת נוהגים להחמיר מי”ז בתמוז.
Rema OC 551:4
We are accustomed to be stringent with haircuts from 17 Tammuz,
שולחן ערוך יו”ד שצ:ה
אשה מותרת בנטילת שער אחר ז’. הגה: ויש אוסרים אף לאשה, וכן עיקר.
Shulchan Aruch YD 390:5
A woman is permitted to remove hair after shiv’a. Rema: There are those who prohibit even for a woman, and this is the essential [law].
ילקוט יוסף מועדים מדיני ימי תשעה באב ז
אסור להסתפר בשבוע שחל בו תשעה באב….ומותר לאשה להסתפר בשבוע שחל בו תשעה באב.
Yalkut Yosef, Mo’adim, Mi-dinei Yemei Tish'a Be-Av 7
It is prohibited to get a haircut during the week in which Tish’a Be-Av falls…and it is permissible for a woman to get a haircut during the week in which Tish’a Be-Av falls.
שו”ת פנים מאירות ג:לז
ועוד נשאלתי אשה אם מותרת לגלח מר”ח [=מראש חודש] עד התענית ונראה לי ג”כ [=גם כן] כיון דבאבל גופא פסק הרי”ף והרמב”ם דאשה מותרת לגלח אחר ז’ נראה להקל באבילו[ת] ישינה במילי דיחיד ולסמוך במילי דרבנן על הרי”ף והרמב”ם דמותר ג”כ [=גם כן] לאשה לגלח מר”ח [=מראש חודש] עד התענית
Responsa Panim Me’irot III:37
I was further asked by a woman if it is permissible to shave [her head] from Rosh Chodesh until the fast. And it also seems to me that since with actual mourning the Rif and Rambam ruled that a woman is permitted to shave after shiv’a, it seems that one can be lenient with aveilut yeshana for a private matter, and rely in a rabbinic matter on the Rif and the Rambam that it is also permissible for a woman to shave from Rosh Chodesh until the fast
רב דוד אויערבאך, הליכות ביתה עמ’ שעא הערה ע*
שמעתי מדודי הגרש”ז שליט”א …איך שהוא אפשר ודאי להקל מר”ח [=מראש חודש] עד השבוע שחל בו ת”ב [=תשעה באב].
Rav David Auerbach, Halichot Beitah, p. 371, note 70*
I heard from my uncle, Rav Shlomo Zalman…that one can certainly be lenient from Rosh Chodesh until the week in which Tish’a Be-Av falls
משנה ברורה תקנא:עט
תספורת וכו’ – ואחד האיש ואחד האשה שוין לאיסור ואפשר שיש להתיר באשה [לגלח] ריבוי שער דצדעין [פמ”ג]:
Mishna Berura 551:79
Haircut etc. – Both men and women are equal in this prohibition, and it is possible that one should allow a woman [to shave] a proliferation of hair on the temples.
שו”ת אגרות משה יו”ד ב:קלז
ובדבר תספורת לאשה בימי הספירה, הנה אף שהיה מסתבר להתיר מאחר שגם באבלות אחר שבעה תוך שלשים מתירין הרבה ראשונים… ובבין המצרים כיון שהוא רק מנהג יש להקל כהמתירין, אבל מ”מ [=מכל מקום] נראה הדין שראוי להחמיר אם אינו נחוץ כל כך.
Iggerot Moshe YD II 137
Regarding a haircut for a woman in the days of the omer count, even though it is reasonable to permit it, since even in mourning after shiv’a within sheloshim many early authorities permit it…during bein hametzarim, since it is only a matter of custom, one should be lenient like those who permit it, but in any case it seems that the law is that it is proper to be stringent if it [a haircut] is not terribly necessary.
Rav Shimon D. Eider, A Summary of the Halachos of the Three Weeks, p. 4
A married woman or one of marriageable age may shave her legs even during the Nine Days (I heard this from Rav Moshe Feinstein shlit”a).
נטעי גבריאל הלכות בין המצרים יט:ו
..שער הגבות, מותר לגלחן.
Nit'ei Gavriel, Laws of Bein Ha-metzarim 19:6
…Eyebrow hair, it is permitted to shave.
רב דוד אויערבאך, הליכות ביתה עמ’ 371, הערה 70*
מטרת האיפור לשם קישוט ונוי וככה”ג [=וכל כי האי גונא] אין בזה משום תענוג ושמחה כיון שדרכה בכך כל השנה…דשאני תספורת שהוא מזמן לזמן….ודמיא לסריקת הראש דמותר אפילו בשבוע שחל בו ת”ב [=תשעה באב]…ומוכח דבאשה יש להקל טפי…אם דרכה בכך כל השנה..ולענין שימת מי-בושם על גופה או בגדיה מפני הזיעה, יש להתיר.
Rav David Auerbach, Halichot Beitah, p. 371, note 70*
The purpose of makeup is for adornment and beauty and the like, and it does not have an aspect of pleasure and joy because she does this the entire year…This is different from haircuts, which are occasional…and similar to combing hair, which is permissible even during the week in which Tish’a Be-Av falls…It is demonstrated that one should be more lenient with a woman…if she does this the entire year… and in the matter of putting perfume on her body or her clothing because of sweat, one can be lenient.
משנה ברורה תקנא:כ
ולענין נטילת צפרנים יש דעות בין האחרונים אכן לצורך טבילת מצוה בודאי שרי. וכן לכבוד שבת…
Mishna Berura 551:20
Regarding cutting nails, there are different opinions among later authorities. Therefore, when needed for the mitzva of mikveh immersion, it is certainly permitted. And similarly in honor of Shabbat…
שולחן ערוך או”ח תקנא: טז
יש נוהגים שלא לרחוץ מראש חדש, ויש שאין נמנעין אלא בשבת זו, ויש מתענים מי”ז בתמוז עד ט”ב [=ט’ באב]. הגה: ולצורך מצוה שרי; ולכן נדה רוחצת וטובלת (מהרי”ל); ואפי[לו] אם טובלת ליל י’ באב, מותר לה לרחוץ בערב ט”ב [=ט’ באב] אם א”א [=אי אפשר] לה לרחוץ ליל י’ (אגודה). ונראה דה”ה [=דהוא הדין] אשה הלובשת לבנים יכולה לרחוץ מעט כדרכה בשאר שנה, הואיל ואינה עושה לתענוג רק לצורך מצוה. ונוהגין שלא לרחוץ, אפילו בצונן, מראש חודש ואילך. (ת”ה סי’ ק”ו /ק”נ/) ואפי[לו] בערב שבת של חזון אסור לרחוץ כ”א [=כי אם] ראשו ופניו ידיו ורגליו בצונן (מהרי”ל ותשובת מהרי”ל סי’ ט”ו וב”י); ויש מקילים בחפיפת הראש בחמין למי שרגיל בכך כל שבת.
Shulchan Aruch OC 551:16
There are those who are accustomed not to bathe from Rosh Chodesh, and there are those who refrain only during this week, and there are those who fast from 17 Tammuz until Tish’a Be-av. Rema: It is permissible [to bathe] when necessary for a mitzva; therefore, a nidda bathes and immerses, and even if she immerses on the night of 10 Av, she is permitted to bathe on the eve of Tish’a Be-Av if it is not possible for her to bathe on the night of the 10th. It seems that this also applies to a woman who wears white [to begin counting her clean days], she may wash a bit as she normally does during the rest of the year, since she does not do it for pleasure, only for a mitzva. The custom is not to bathe even in cold water from Rosh Chodesh on. Even on the eve of Shabbat Chazon it is prohibited to bathe, except for his head, face, hands, and feet in cold water, and there are those who are lenient to wash the hair in warm water for those who normally do that every Shabbat.
שו”ת אגרות משה אה”ע ד:פד:ד
ולגבי שאלת בני הישיבה אם ביום חום מותר לרחוץ אחר ר”ח [=ראש חודש] אב עד עת”ב [=ערב תשעה באב] מאחר שמכונים להסיר הזיעה, ולא מחמת תענוג, באמת יש להקל.
Responsa Iggerot Moshe EH IV:84:4
Regarding the question of the yeshiva students, whether on a hot day it is permissible to bathe after Rosh Chodesh Av until Tish’a Be-Av, since they intend to remove sweat, and not for pleasure, one can really be lenient.
שולחן ערוך או”ח תקנא:ג
שבוע שחל בו תשעה באב, אסורים לספר ולכבס, אפילו אינו רוצה ללובשו עתה, אלא להניחו לאחר ט’ באב. ואפילו אין לו אלא חלוק אחד, אסור. וכן המכובסים מקודם, בין ללבוש, בין להציע בהם המיטה. ואפילו מטפחות הידיים והשולחן אסור.הגה: ואנו נוהגין להחמיר בכל זה מתחלת ר”ח [=ראש חודש] עד אחר התענית, אם לא לצורך מצוה, כגון אשה הלובשת לבנים מותרת לכבס וללבוש לבנים ולהציע תחתיה (רוקח וא”ז), וכן לכבוד שבת לובשים כלי פשתן ומציעין לבנים כמו בשאר שבתות.
Shulchan Aruch OC 551:3
The week of Tish’a Be-Av it is prohibited to get a haircut or do laundry, even if he does not want to wear it now but rather put it aside until after the 9th of Av. And even if he only has one robe, it is prohibited. And [it is also prohibited to use clean] items that were laundered earlier – whether it’s clothing, sheets, hand or table towels. Rema: And we are stringent with all this from Rosh Chodesh until after the fast, but not in the case of a mitzva, such as a woman who is wearing white is permitted to launder and wear white and make the bed with white sheets…and similarly in honor of Shabbat we wear linen garments and use white sheets as on other Shabbatot.
רמ”א שולחן ערוך או”ח תקנא:יד
…. ואפילו בגדי שאר קטנים נוהגים להקל
Rema Shulchan Aruch OC 551:14
…Even with other children’s clothes the practice is to be lenient.
Concluding Thoughts
Dr. Erica Brown, 'Introduction,' In the Narrow Places
Even when we recognize the cognitive importance of recalling the past, we are not always capable of rising to the emotional challenge of reliving it. Instead, we often find ourselves immersed in the particularities of Jewish law, reviewing the minutiae of observance, not always as a preparation for this period but often as a distraction. If we lose ourselves in the questions of whether or not to listen to music on a radio, buy particular objects of clothing if they are discounted, or engage in instructional swimming, we may avoid the more essential task of the season: creating genuine sorrow over the incalculable loss of our Jewish spiritual center….The halakhic restrictions of the period help us structure our worlds to minimize joy but they cannot force sadness; they can only minimize the conditions for happiness…. During the Three Weeks and Tisha B’Av, we do not only bemoan a recurring past. We also stand in a spiritually secure place, in the presence of community, and ask ourselves the existential questions that every individual and community must ask.
Q&A
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Hashkafic Q&A
Why do we mourn in stages?
Rav Yosef Dov Soloveitchik draws a halachic and conceptual correspondence between the stages of mourning of before Tish’a Be-Av and the stages of mourning for a parent. The Three Weeks correspond to the twelve months of mourning (yud-bet chodesh), the Nine Days to the first month (shloshim), and the day of Tish’a Be-Av to shiv’a.
On a halachic level, Rav Soloveitchik applies customs of mourning for a parent to the Three Weeks, regardless of whether they were mentioned explicitly by earlier halachic authorities.
Conceptually, he explains that the laws and customs of mourning both respond to human emotions and redirect them.
Rav Yosef B. Soloveitchik, “Avelut Yeshanah and Avelut Hadashah: Historical and Individual Mourning”
Even though the mourning of an individual constitutes a kiyyum she-ba-lev, an inner, experiential fulfillment of the obligation to mourn, it must be translated into deeds, into technical observance….The Halakhah demanded that feeling be transposed into deed…that fleeting, amorphous moods be crystallized into real tangible symbols….Avelut yeshanah [mourning a past occurrence] does not establish itself at one bang; the process is generally slow. It…not only notes and gives heed to bygone days but also reexperiences, relives, restages and redramatizes remote events which seem to have forfeited their relevance long ago. The Halakhah could not decree observance of mourning at once. The reawakening takes time; it transpires gradually. It would be absurd, therefore, to start out with the practical observance of mourning before the experience has been reproduced and relived in all its tragic, frightening magnitude. The time between the Seventeenth of Tammuz and Rosh Hodesh Av is exclusively devoted to remembrance, to meditation, to reliving and reexperiencing. Only on Rosh Hodesh Av does the avelut she-ba-lev begin to be recorded on the register of objective mourning and the first signs of observance become visible.
The laws of mourning a parent reflect a person’s acute emotional distress and withdrawal from society after experiencing a major loss. They gradually decrease in intensity as the mourner reacclimates into society and regains emotional equilibrium.
The laws of mourning the Temples, considered a form of aveilut yeshana (lit. old mourning), are different. Here, we are not confronting to a new trauma, but attempting to mourn a historic one, albeit with lasting impact. We gradually increase the customs of mourning during the Three Weeks in order to evoke an emotional response to the loss and enter the proper mindset for Tish’a Be-Av.
Why should halacha differentiate between men and women regarding restrictions on grooming in the three weeks or nine days?
Some halachot are defined in light of common practice. Until recently, for example, many forms of grooming have been considered feminine behavior. Acts such as removing body hair have been prohibited to men in locales and time periods in which they were considered feminine practices.
שולחן ערוך יו”ד קפב:א
המעביר שער בית שחי ובית הערוה, אפילו במספרים כעין תער, היו מכין אותו מכת מרדות. בד”א [=במה דברים אמורים], במקום שאין מעבירין אותו אלא נשים, כדי שלא יתקן עצמו תיקון נשים. אבל במקום שמעבירין אותו גם האנשים, אם העביר אין מכין אותו. הגה: ואפילו לכתחלה שרי
Shulchan Aruch YD 182:1
[A man] who removes hair from the armpits or pubic area, even with scissors like a razor, they would give him lashes of rebelliousness. Where does this apply? In a place where only women remove it, in order that he not groom himself in a feminine manner. But in a place where men also remove it, if he removed it, he does not receive lashes. Rema: And it is even permissible le-chat’chila (in the first place).
Modern halachic q and a abound with men asking questions as to whether such actions are still prohibited today. The answer often depends on changing communal norms.
Additionally, many of the leniencies for women’s grooming specifically mention married women, especially newlyweds, or single women dating for marriage. Leniencies in this vein focus on grooming as it relates to physical attraction within relationships. This concept is often expressed from the point of view of the man, as when Rabbi Akiva insists that a woman in nidda be permitted to make herself up and dress nicely lest she become unattractive to her husband:
שבת סד:
והדוה בנדתה, זקנים הראשונים אמרו: שלא תכחול ולא תפקוס ולא תתקשט בבגדי צבעונין, עד שבא רבי עקיבא ולימד: אם כן אתה מגנה על בעלה…
Shabbat 64b
“The one who is unwell during her nidda” (Vayikra 15:33), the first elders said: she should not use eye makeup or blush or adorn herself with colorful clothing, until Rabbi Akiva came and taught: If so, you make her unattractive to her husband…
Although norms of how we talk about women’s bodies and the male gaze have changed, physical attraction remains an important element of intimate relationships. As grooming standards for men evolve and as more wives are particular about their husbands’ grooming, it is possible that we’ll see more halachic leniencies for men’s grooming during the three weeks.
Reader Q&A
